Abject. Hangdog.
Got your heart stuck in some lucky chump’s molar,
-now it’s rotting in there.
Everyone can smell it when he opens his maw,
except
He can’t
He’s too used to the stench.
You do clinical trials
You have to. You need
the money.
A hundred to talk to a research scientist about your
constipation.
Hundred fifty and drugs
possibly placebos
for your participation in a sleep study.
Focus groups on anxiety. They’re filming you. This makes you anxious. How can you focus?
“Do you suffer from…”
That’s how the headlines always read.
Yes. You suffer. You suffer from all of it.
In fact, everything
makes you suffer. It’s the suffering
that chews at you the most.
But you’ll never read the headline
“Do you suffer from having a cunt and a heart that both need too much? Participate in our study. We can help you.”
It’s far too easy
for you
to list all the things you suffer from,
and far too hard
for you
to say what you suffer for.

I got my first Nikol’s Pikols holiday order from my good pal Bill Palmer. I’m really stoked, too, because the brittle came out perfectly. The last batch I made was a tad too dark, because I wasn’t using a candy thermometer and I added the peanuts too early. You really can’t eyeball the candy making process. The peanuts need to be added at 275 degrees exactly, then stirred like mad until the heat gets to 300 degrees. If you add the peanuts prior to 275, they will spend too much time in the pot, and your poor wimpy arms will get tired of trying like mad to stir the mixture and then everything will scorch and your brittle will be more like burnt caramel.

So, I scraped together the cash to go down to the restaurant supply store, where they’ve gotten used to my silly window shopping, and this time I was able to purchase something. I’d say it was a wise investment.

Thanks, Bill Palmer! Your brittle is ready.

Help me come up with an adorable, clever name for my peanut brittle.

Are you going to a holiday party or dinner this year and don’t have the time/skill/interest in cooking anything? Are you trying to figure out a decent gift for your family, but you already had a star named after them or donated money to some charity in their name? Did you take your grandmother a pair of handerpants last year only to find out she already owned six pair? Or do you just really have a love for home made good tasting things? It sounds like you need Nikol’s Pikols to help you out.

Working hard in the kitchen. The special ingredient is sass.

See, I am spending an awful lot of time cooking right now. (No, I have no idea what’s happening with Master Chef. Either they’ll call me soon or they won’t. Either way, I am staying positive and I’m not going to sit and wait. I’m practicing cooking every single day.) And I love cooking. I’m even pretty damn good at it. So, while I’m doing that, I figured, why not really get some PR going by offering a pretty sweet holiday deal.

Mmmm. Don't you want some pickles?

Right now, for the cost of the ingredients and supplies alone, you can purchase a homemade item or six from me, give it as a gift or take it to a party, and spread the word about what I’m doing. Not that this stuff is neccesarily cheap right now. Since I’m not buying ingredients in bulk, it still costs more than it would than to buy somethign mass produced at the store. But, I promise it’ll be delicious and totally worth it!

Here’s a basic price list. If you’re ordering from out of town, we’ll need to calculate shipping. If you’re ordering from LA, you can pick up ordered items in Van Nuys. All baked items will be made fresh for you.:

• Quick Bread: $5.00 or 2 loaves for $9.00

Banana, Pumpkin, Zuchinni, Persimmon, Apple, or others by request. All breads made to order and can include nuts for an additional 75 cents.

• Peanut Brittle: Small gladwear container: $5.00. Large $8.00
• Fruit Butter: Small jar: $4.00

Apple or Persimmon- Fruit butters do not contain dairy. They are called butters because of the consistency.

• Garlic Dills*: $7.00
• Spicy Giardinera: $8.00
• Pickled Chili Nopales: $8.00
• Pickled Radishes: $7.00
• Pickled Beets: Sm. $6, Lg $8
• Spicy Garlic dill spears: $8.00
• Syrups: Sm. $6.00

Candy Apple or Pineapple Mango, syrups are sugar based non-maple and are great toppings for sundaes, pancakes, waffles

• Strawberry Jam: $6.00
• Other jams available upon request, market price for fruit.
• Apple Pie: $6
• Pumpkin Pie: $7
• Other pies available on request, market price for fruit
• Peppermint Bark: $9
• Other holiday candies available on request

Can you think of something not listed here that you want? So long as the items are not perishable, I can make them for you. Just make a request! For all orders, please contact me at

NikolHasler@gmail dot com

*The pickles are available on limited supply. If you order before the end of November, pickles will be ready to consume by Christmas.

Recently my dating life has been fantastic. I’ve turned some sort of a corner where I’m attracting the kind of people who are good for me, good to me, and who are easy for me to be good to. They’re not rushing me into things, they’re respectful, and they’re all talented, intelligent people with their own things going on. There’s not a single person in my life these days who isn’t a solid, wonderful person. It’s an easy thing to get used to.

If I could date a burger...

I think one of the best things about dating is going out to eat. It’s a thing that gets lost in longer term relationships- the excitement of sitting down together at a table, enjoying new foods, sharing old favorites. Don’t get me wrong. There’s much to be said for sitting at a dinner table at home. I’ve always loved family dinners or slow, Sunday breakfasts. But, when you’re dating, you tend to go out to eat.

Recently, a very funny and talented man I’m dating took me to a gastropub in Silver Lake. At Black Hogg, chef Eric Park’s menu features some interesting options. For example, you can order roast marrow bones, a thing I’ve only seen on nose to tail menus. I had a delicious buttery lamb burger with habenero onions. I brought home the left overs, intending to serve them to Trast, but then I ate them myself. We had a nice array of dishes, and left feeling fat and sleepy, and one of the dishes really stood out to me.

The dish was so simple. It was a brussel sprout hash served in a bacon vinaigrette, topped with a poached egg. The real standout of the dish was how perfectly the bacon accented the sprouts. I thought more about the dish, and while it was amazingly delicious, when I cook, I tend to prefer a slightly less heavy dish. So, at home, I modified it. I served it last night, along with ribeye s that Peter Zachos cooked on the grill, and Trast’s favorite home-cooked fries. (He says I should cook them every single day.) As we were plating, Tim snuck a bit of the dish out of the pan and his face looked like he’d just been told on Maury that yes, he was the father. “Goddam, Hasler, why haven’t you ever made these before? We’d be married by now.”

So, in case you’re trying to get Tim to marry you, I figured I’d share my recipe with you.

Brussels To Marry For

3 slices bacon, rough chopped             1 clove garlic, minced

1T balsamic vinegar                                 5-6 large brussels

1 yellow squash, rough chopped          salt to taste

1 lemon                                                    just a pinch of fresh rosemary

• Boil the brussels whole until tender
• While they’re boiling, squeeze lemon juice all over the squash and sprinkle with salt
• In a skillet, cook the bacon swirling to really maximize the fat’s distribution in the pan
• Toss the rosemary into the bacon fat
• Yell at everyone that if they’re not helping, they should get the hell out of the kitchen
• Toss the squash into the bacon fat and shake it all around.
• Add the garlic. If you add it earlier, it’ll blacken
• Drain the brussels, quarter them, and toss them in the skillet.
• Drizzle the balsamic over top, let it all cook for a few minutes, give it a taste, and add salt if needed.
• Serve it and prepare yourself for a marriage proposal.

There is it. So, as I said when I was a little girl and thought I was being very smart and fancy, “Boner Petite”

Yeah. Box joke.

To be featured in the entryway of the Punk Rock B&B

One of the many things that I thought I wanted to do one day- those dreams that hang out, never to be actualized but easy to space out on when you’re scrubbing a toilet- was to own a punk rock bed and breakfast.

The idea was that I would have a cool, old Victorian house that I would decorate with my personal style, stuff full of amazing art from my friends, and it would be a bed and breakfast for people who don’t want to experience the usual bed and breakfast, up too early, perhaps more stuffy crowd. The punk rock b&b would be a place where you’d stay up until three a.m. with the other guests, listening to and making music, having drinks, taking a look at all the odd books and strange stuff collected over the years. The punk rock b&b would be the sort of place where guests from years past would still send things they’d found in some thrift store that would be perfect for the place. At the punk rock b&b, breakfast is served around noon. Come down in your pajamas. Have a bloody mary and a cup of coffee.

If today were a PRB&B day, here’s what I would serve:

• Stuff It French(y) Toast
• Pork Belly Tater Tots
• Bagels & Lox
• Crispy Kale Salad With Root Veggies and Ginger Dressing

All of these items are in my old, yellow recipe box. It’s a box I intend to give to my kids, and hope will one day go to their kids. The recipes are written the way that I’d talk if I were telling someone how to make the dishes. I hope that my voice comes through in them. For now, I’ll share with you my recipe for Stuff It French(y) Toast.

Nikol’s Stuff It French(y) Toast

For this recipe, you can really use any fruit that you love. Since I make my own jams and preserved fruits, sometimes I use whatever I have on hand. Most recently I made this with my Candy Apple Jam, which was an apple jam made with red hots. It totally tastes like Christmas. But you can do this with your own combo. For today, let’s go Mango Blueberry. Because we can, dammit. And for your bread, choose a loaf that is hefty and not pre-sliced, then cut it yourself nice and thick. (Note: Get the bread that’s on sale because it’s about to turn. It’s stiffer, which makes for a better french toast.)

1 Loaf of Bread                     1 Mango, diced

Brandy                                  1 Pint Blueberries

4 oz cream cheese (soft)      2T Orange Liquore

1T sugar                                Cinnamon, Vanilla

3 large eggs                          1 1/4 cup buttermilk*

Preheat oven to 300

1.) Add orange liquore and sugar to a sauce pan on low heat until sugar dissolves. Gently cook 1/2 the fruit in the orange liquore and sugar. This means, don’t go smashing it around like you’re playing Ike and Tina. Just shake the pan a little. Cook for about three minutes

2.) Combine the cooked fruit with the cream cheese.

3.) Again, GENTLY use a bread knife (serrated) to make a pocket in the side of the bread slices. No stabby killy. You don’t want to go all the way through the bread, and you want to make sure that you evenly cover the area of the bread to even out the stuffed-ness.

4.) Spoon the fruit mixture into the pockets. You don’t need a ton. Don’t try to overdo it. Gently gently gently use your fingers to squeeze a little bit to even out any lumps.

5.) Mix your eggs, milk, vanilla, and cinnamon.

6.) Heat the skillet. Use 1/2 oil and 1/2 butter for a higher smoke point so you don’t burn your french toast. Keep skillet at medium heat.

7.) Dip the bread into the mix, thoroughly soaking it. Then, piece by piece, add it to the skillet, cooking each side to a beautiful golden color.

8.) Put all cooked french toast on a wire rack in the oven for 10 min.

9.) While that’s happening, cook the remaning fruit in the brandy. This will be your topping. If you’re crazy, you can also add some maple syrup, but it’s your diabetes induced funeral, pal.

*If you don’t have buttermilk on hand, you can use regular milk. But, if you ever need to fudge buttermilk, you can do it by adding vinegar or lemon juice to regular milk and letting it stand for 5 minutes. Neat trick, yeah?

Sometimes this is the only appropriate response.

Alright, so let’s take a minute to be happy about remission. Around a year ago I came clean with y’all about the whole cancerous cells mutating thing that my body was doing. It was like my lymphatic system announced to me that it would be unavailable because it was backpacking through Europe to find itself. And, of course, one simply cannot do a lot with a MIA lymphatic system.

And yet, we did it! We made it through this year, and I got to sit in that stupid office with the various diplomas and photos of German Shepherds on the wood paneling and listen to my doctor click his pen-butt a few times and announce that “everything looks good”. In that moment, I felt nothing at all. I said, “Okay,” went to the reception desk, paid them for the zillionth time, and stepped out onto the street. It was when I started walking toward my house, the sun shining on the palm trees, my pink Chucks shuffling along, that I uttered something I have never in my whole life thought would leave my lips. With a smile on my face and an “alriiiiight” shake of my head, I said “BOOM-shaka-laka!”. And I goddamn meant it.

The main reason I say that “we” did it, is that over this past year especially, I have had the great fortune of being taken care of by so many people in my life. Some of you gave me freelance work. Some of you sent me presents. Some of you helped chip in when Dan and LA Record set up that amazing fundraiser that helped me pay off 8 grand in medical bills. Some of you bought me groceries, and my son was able to eat like a prince. Some of you spent time with me, and with Trast. Some of you gave me rides to appointments, or went to the gym with me. You all did so many great things, and when people ask me if  I have a support system, I can’t even make my arms wide enough to show the “this big” of it all.

So, now I’m pretty set with not having to worry about chemo and radiation and surgery and what’s going to happen next. Sure, I have to continue to take a pretty whopping dose of prednisone for a while, but compared to the exhausting effects of the treatment, I’m doing much better.

Gluten Free: A selling point even among pharmaceuticals.

However, I’m a bit screwed at the moment. That’s as delicately as I can put it. My unemployment benefits are gone, I am waiting to see if I qualify for an extension, and the money I’ve made on freelance jobs is gone. I’m sending out resumes daily, and shamelessly asking anyone I know to keep their ears to the ground for any work that might be out there. When they ask me what I’m looking for, I say “Anything.“, and by that I mean that I’ve got a variety of skills that I’ve honed over the years that would be of use.

I really do love these snack crackers.

Ideally, I’d have a full time position working in production in some capacity, utilizing my creativity. But the immediate need for any work at all is pressing. A friend of mine suggested that I have another fund raiser, but I feel like you already did so much to help the first time around, when I wasn’t exactly able bodied enough to do very much. So, I don’t like the idea of asking you to just hand me money.

I’d feel much more comfortable asking you if you have any work that you need done that you just don’t have the time or ability to do yourself. Do you need help doing some organizing? Do you need some writing done? Do you want me to clean your house? Do you want me to cook some meals that you can freeze and reheat later? Are you trying to put together a holiday party and you need someone to help with the nitty gritty details on that? Do you want me to be your body double in a major motion picture? (Ryan Gosling, I’m looking at you on this one.) There is no job too small right now, because every little bit is going to help more than you know.

I feel a little bit weird about posting this, because I know a lot of people are struggling to get by right now. But, as I sit here in this place of panic with $1.65 in my bank account and a lot of bills that need to be paid, and time and again all the people in my life say, “You’ll figure something out. You always do.”, I need to do something, and this is at least something.

So, please, contact me if you think of something I can do to help you. And again, thank you for being a part of my life and for all of your help.

***And if you’re wondering how to pay me for services rendered, you can always use this:

This past weekend, I went through the first round of auditions for the show Master Chef. For those of you unfamiliar, it is the show on which Gordon Ramsay doesn’t yell as much. In fact, he’s usually downright nice. The show itself is a competition among home cooks, standard reality style, ending in a final face-off that results in one person getting their own cookbook and 250K.

At this point in my world, after a long 2 years of paying out of pocket for crazy-ass medical expenses, a year of being laid off from work, and you know, just everything always breaking, even a fraction of that prize money would change my world.

And my plan, should I win, would be to produce a cooking show that teaches people in low-income households how to stretch their food budget and create delicious, healthy, flavorful meals. I can cook a meal for three people for under $10. I want to show more people what can be done.

Chef Ramsay, telling everyone else to just leave the kitchen now, because I'm the winner.

The audition went very well, and I feel pretty confident that I could make good food and good television. As suggested by my great friend, Jean-Paul Bondy, I am posting the recipes for the dishes I prepared on Saturday. Just click the little “more” button. And keep your fingers crossed for me! (more…)