I don’t mean to brag, because normally I let other people do that for me, but right now my dad is in stupid Wisconsin, and I can’t fly him out here every damn time I want him to stand in a room and tell people how damned great I am. Plus, he’s old as hell, so people are like, “Whoa. Guess it was bring your WalMart greeter to the networking party day.” Anyway, thanks to my dad living far away and being old, I guess I’m going to have to be the one who pins up my accomplishments on the giant refrigerator of life. This refrigerator better have some decent leftovers inside. I’m a bit of a night eater.

This is to apologize to my dad for calling him old and to endear me to you.

Anyway, being “freelance”, or as some jerks call it “Got No Job”, or as I call it when I am filling out a weekly form, “unemployed”, that means I have to spend a lot of time thinking about what exactly I’m good at. I even made a list. I’m exceptionally good at list making, by the way. Unfortunately, the stuff I am good at doesn’t always naturally (or legally) translate into me having a job. Even some of the whacky shit people hire other people to do in Hollywood is harder to come by than you think. You can’t just walk into Howie Mandell’s house and offer to wash his hands for him. I know. I tried.

One of the things I’m really good at is the thing where you write about the stuff in your head which is the stuff you think about the things you see and do and hear. That last sentence is a perfect example. I don’t know how I churn out such sensicle bits of amazing, but they flow out of me like mixed metaphors out of a unicorn diamond fountain. I’m telling you guys, I write good.

And I regularly find myself writing for free, only it’s not for free. My payment comes in the form of thumbs ups, or people rating my Yelp reviews. I’ve got, like 35 “Funny” ratings on Yelp, and I’m not even trying. Also, I’ve been reviewing music and comedy for AV Club, Beatweek, and LA Record for years now. Also, at age 8, I wrote a compelling letter to the Kellogg’s people regarding the quality of their in-box toys, which did not come pre-stickered, leaving those of us children with shaky hands to apply our own stickers and face the painful thunder of a million playground bitches mocking our slightly askew sticker jobs. That letter resulted in a whole box of pre-stickered toys, and a letter signed by Tony the Tiger.* In any case, I am rather certain that it was my stellar writing that got my message across.

So, since I’m already writing for free, and since I have a bit more time on my hands lately, I’ve decided that I’m going to start filling the world with more of my reviews. Hey, if I’m not working for anyone in particular, that means I can say whatever the hell I want, however I want to say it, and gradually build up more samples of my writing that will either cause people to hire me, or be used against me when my children have me committed.

What you got for me internet? You got a business you opened, a product you’re selling, a music you made, a book you wrote, or a sandwich for me? I like all of those things, you know? So, get in touch. Reach out. And if you don’t, whatever. I’m still going to be here, writing on the internet, until some anti-piracy act makes me stop. Stay tuned for some reviews, y’all.

*As I write this, I am wondering how the hell a tiger, with such huge, furry paws, was able to place those stickers with such precision.

Good morning everyone! I trust the day finds you all well. I don’t mean to be overly emotive, but it’s been a fairly exciting morning over here at my house. I woke around 10, which seemed a bit early for a Saturday, but something was keeping me from sleeping. I had a special feeling about the day. So, I went to the bathroom, made my coffee, and took a look at my inbox. Well, you know how people are always talking about how you should trust your intuition? I quickly found out why I was feeling the belly flutters.

That’s right. American Golf is interested in me. Amy, you’re an angel. Your golden hair and your winning smile in combination with your incredible perception for matching me with the right job make you an enviable goddess whose visage ought grace a postage stamp. I wouldn’t be surprised if you and you alone hold the key to revitalizing our damaged economy. You ought to be appointed the new Secretary of Labor immediately. And so, indebted to Amy for finding me this position, I wrote back to her.

And also, in acknowledgement of her hard work on my behalf, it would have been a slap in the face to not jump at the job opening she found for me. And so, I applied. My cover letter:

Dear American Golf,

I’m sending you my resume because Amy, over at Career Builder, said that you would be interested in me. If you know Amy as well as I do, you’ll know that she’s pretty spot on when she figures out who would be a good match. After all, she did base her recommendation on my experience and qualifications.

While I have never in my entire life done anything even remotely related to accounting, I have a really good feeling about this. I’m sure someone from your team can explain all of that to me. I do have a son in 8th grade, so I could use his Algebra books as a resource whenever a big report is coming up.

I look forward to hearing back from you and setting up my office. What are your policies on decorating, by the way? I once worked at a place that didn’t allow us to bring our own rugs. That just doesn’t work for me. If your company has any sort of rug policy, I feel like we should discuss that up front.

Best, Nikol

So, fingers crossed, everyone. By this time next week, I may be gainfully employed as a Staff Accountant for American Golf. Dreams actualized. All thanks to Amy.