Over the years, having moved as frequently as I did, Christmas was always something totally different. For those first years my mother was married to a Jehova’s Witness, so Christmas didn’t exist. By the time I got into Kindergarten we were celebrating, but we were poor, so Christmas meant weird jello from a cart at the soup kitchen, and picking up our “angel tree” gifts from Walmart. I don’t remember ever thinking about anything I wanted for Christmas during that time. I didn’t know that wanting things was an option.

Then there were the years of laying in bed on my belly, feet kicked up behind me and a marker with it’s cap all chewed poised in my hand and I turned the pages of the massive Sears catalog. I would limit myself to five things, thinking that if I circled more than five, I would be punished by karma for being a greedy pig, so I spent hours making small dots next to the things that I wanted, slowly reviewing and determining what I wanted the most. I remember that I got one of the things on my list one year, a Cabbage Patch Preemie doll, but most of all I had wanted…

Glamour!

When I was nine I went into foster care right before Christmas. In the abruptness of the move, I no longer had my clothes, my books, or my favorite tapes to listen to. So I had learned that it was best to want something small enough that I could keep it close to me. That year, what I really wanted was…

Avon Faux Pearl Necklace

But then I got older, and moved more, eventually ending up in Edgar County Children’s Home, where we could make lists of the things we wanted so long as they were able to be purchased at K-Mart. Used to using Suave hair care products before they were doing knock-offs of the good stuff, the number one item on my list was…

Pantene Pro-V Conditioner

A few Christmases later I was still at The Home, and I seriously liked this guy, Patrick, and each day I would rush home after school to call him. We had a payphone in the hallway at the home, and it took nickels. I would call him, and each ten minutes I would need to deposit another five cents. So, that year, I only put one item on my list. It was…

Nickels! And Lots Of Them

I never got the Nickles, by the way. I do remember getting a framed picture of Marilyn Monroe with a note on the back telling me that I should try to have a less tragic life than she had. But a few years and a few homes later, I was living in a Jewish foster home. So, I got to experience Hanukkah. And that year, I remember that the gift I wanted most of all was…

Red Doc Martens!

As an adult, I’ve had a mixed bag of years, from many years of people pulling together to make sure the kids and I had a great Christmas, to the years of getting iMacs and ceramic knives, to years of being happiest to get phone calls, pajamas, and socks.

And this year came on me quickly, barely noticed because the seasons don’t change all that much here in LA. Life is good, and for the most part I’m content with the things I do and don’t have. I’m no longer at a place where I feel guilty wanting things, but I’m not crying in my Christmas oatmeal because I didn’t get them.

But there is one thing I really want this year, and it’s a really big thing to want. This year, the thing I want more than anything is to be able to express to every person I’ve ever had in my life, however briefly, is that I’m thinking of you. I love you. And you have all made this season mean more to me than I can express. I am so fortunate that I had the life I had, because where there isn’t tradition, there is a culmination of rich memories, making it possible to move forward knowing that there were so many people who gave me their time, and shared their Holidays with me.

Merry Christmas, everyone. If I forgot to tell you this, I love you.

Guys. I just- I don’t have it in me to do a video post right now. I’m slammed at work trying to get other people to make videos for the If I Were President series, and father’s day. You could be helping with those, you know?

Also, my advice column is caput. Which blows a lot for many reasons, the main one being I can no longer loftily say “I’m an advice columnist.” when people ask me what I do, and now my boyfriend can use the line “Maybe I should write to your advice column. Oh wait. You don’t write it anymore.” when I try to give him my opinion on things. So, looks like I need to new column, STAT. Who’s hiring? This is a serious matter. (Also, that column was damn good.)

Two great things happened this week. One of them was coming across some old photos that are very sexy and helped remind me that I may have some hotness in me somewhere. To offset the obese picture of me from last week, feast your eyes on this photo of me in a bathtub.

Yeah, that's right. I can be sexy, too!

The other great thing was that this video hit the internet.

Watch the whole thing, you knuckleheads, and try to tell me that you didn’t let out an involuntary “Awwwww.”

More later, but for NOW, go upload a frigging If I Were President Video and make my life better. Please. I’m begging you. Do it for the girl in the bathtub.

Hey, do you guys remember Midwest Teen Sex Show, the video podcast I spent two years hosting that eventually brought me out here to Los Angeles and then ended before it should have? I miss it, too. If you never got to see any of it, here’s one of my old favorites.

One of the very first people to ever take notice of what we were up to was one Kidder Kaper, a man who, along with the sexy Lorax and delightful Coochie, host their own podcast “Sex Is Fun”. Beyond their newly launched site for teens, the Sex is Fun crew also make a series of sexy card games for groups and for couples.

Because they’re totally into finding out what people really think about what they’re up to (in fact, they have listened and replied very thoughtfully to what I’ve opinionatedly expressed in the past), they sent me the whole barrage of their games to check out for myself.

(more…)

Cianna Stewart, who I somehow was lucky enough to meet years ago when I first visited San Fran, approached me recently about this great site, Dudecraft, which was gathering stories to benefit 826 National, a nonprofit which helps kids learn to be writers.

Well, instaboner on my part. That sounds like lots of stuff I love. Dudes, crafts, kids, writing, nonprofits. Shoot, add some hotsauce and whiskey to that and my kind of party is starting!

So, she asked me to write a story about Halloween. Here’s what I came up with. Picture goodness included.

Thanks, Dudecraft and 826 National, for the healthy reminder that I was a total lame-wad.

Hey guys? Do you remember how much you loved MTSS? I do. And then this company, One Economy Corporation, commissioned us to create another show aimed at families. We made two episodes, and it seemed like that was the end.
But I have some exciting news. Now that I am a producer for One Economy Corporation, The Beehive, and Public Internet Channel, I have gotten the greenlight to revive this amazing show. Filming August 21st and you’ll be watching the next episode by the beginning of September. To hold you over, take a look at our first episode ever.

At the age of 4, I fell in love. I knew it was love, too, not just some fleeting moment of fanciful desire. I was acutely aware that anyone I thought of so often that I couldn’t even make myself take a nap was a pretty special person, indeed. How could I nap? I was planning our future and naming our 12 children.

He was easy to love, too. He was lanky, shy, and without even trying he made me laugh. When he got picked on I wanted to wallop any smack talkers. When he was frightened, which was fairly often, I wanted to hold his hand and tell him that everything would work out; he’d see. It always worked out.

It became apparent through the years that it wouldn’t work out for us- he was a dog person, I prefer turtles; once school started I was busy whenever he was around; he was a cartoon, I was…not a cartoon. Despite this I will always remember Shaggy as my first love.

Oh, to be Scooby, who was always jumping into those pale, scrawny arms.

As cartoons progressed, everything changed. These days I can easily love a cartoon, but I have never been able to find one single character who gives me the tingles because of his innocence and beauty in the same way Shaggy had done.

Until today.

Today I watched The Velvet Mouse Show, a cartoon that takes me back to what cartoons used to be, back to a time when kids were supposed to watch them and adults might find themselves drawn in as well. And as I watched, that no-nap-time feeling crept back into my heart as the dreamy newly ordained wizard, Luck E. Charm entered the frame, bespeckled and slightly nervous. And just in case you didn’t know, he’s Merlin’s nephew. I’m not name dropping, just stating a fact.

Oh, Lucky. She's not the girl for you.

This time, I’m going to be better at keeping the flame alive. Time is on our side. I can spend time with Lucky on the Velvet Mouse site. I can download him so that he’ll never leave me. I’ll even back up the file, that’s how devoted I am. And maybe one day, I will find a way to become a cartoon and join him. (I was just reading in Time magazine that scientist have created a reasonably textured chicken substitute, so I bet within three years they’ll have the technology to turn me into a cartoon. I’ve done crazier things for less worthy men.)

So, I recommend you check out the Velvet Mouse Show. Have a giggle. Get that old childhood feeling back for just a minute. Sing along to the happy music.  But stay away from my Luck E. Charm, or I’ll have to kick your ass.