It's pronounced HAYZ-ler, you dweebs.

Where Does Depression Hurt?

My bank account.

On May 2nd, I was hospitalized for major depressive disorder and panic disorder. I was released on the 5th, and notified by my employer that I could not return to work without getting medical clearance to do so. I thought that would be simple. Well enough to go home, well enough to work. I was looking forward to working. Anything to get me back to a sense of normalcy.

My doctor decided that was a bad idea, because I’m depressed and have panic attacks and I’ve spent 7 years without medication and they want me to be stable before I introduce the stress of working.

When he told me, in his warm-colored office, brown and red with a view of the mountains, I had been sitting up properly and explaining how it was just time to get back to work. When it became clear that the option was off the table, I crumpled in on myself and with my face in my hands I whispered, “But, I don’t want to be disabled. I can’t fail like this.”

It does feel like a massive failure. I hang a lot of happiness on looking at where I came from and where I am. But right now, where I am is dire and lousy and it just sucks. The medical bills pour in. My phone is about to be shut off. My disability claim was denied because the doctor made a mistake on the paperwork. He resubmitted, but I have heard nothing. I call every day. Rent is due. Bills are due. This depression and panic is giving me even bigger issues to be depressed and panicked over.

And I feel so sick of myself, because it’s always something with me. I’m always in a hole, always struggling. Most of the time, the struggle is downright exhausting. Right now, I don’t have anything to give.

I don’t feel like anyone can really hear me when I talk about how I think and what I’m going through, but even if they could, how would it matter? What could they do? I’m the only one who can help me right now, and I’m not up for the job. It’s like, why make the bed if it’s just going to get unmade again?

3 Responses to “Where Does Depression Hurt?”

  1. Sabrina Dropkick says:

    Oh shit I feel like I wrote this myself. I still don’t know how to get out of the hole but sometimes knowing that there’s at least one other person out there that “gets it” is at least a bit comforting. Lotsa good vibes to ya grrrrl <3

  2. I just want to remind you again that you’re not just speaking into an abyss. I’ve read your post, and I care. (Check your Facebook “other” messages for more from me.)

    *hugs*

  3. Jenny says:

    Hi Nikol

    I know it’s small comfort, but your posts like this will be of enormous help to anyone feeling the same.

    I hope things get better, much better, soon.

    Jenny

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