Let’s start simple. Here’s something we can all do.
- Stop pronouncing Target like it’s french. Please. No. Just stop it. It’s not. Same goes for white trash. Don’t call it garbage blanc. These things aren’t made cute by your dumb ass pronouncing them wrong. I get it. It’s funny because these things aren’t classy and you are ironicly pronouncing them in the classiest way- the french way. And now that I get it, and everyone else gets it, stop it. And especially don’t look at me and smile and make sure I heard you. I did. I’m trying not to hit you.
- This one is for the gents. I’m going to need you to stop emailing me months after we stopped seeing each other to check in on how I’m doing and then maneuver the topic around to blow jobs and how wonderful mine are. Please. Don’t do that. Part one is okay. You can email me to see how it’s going. Sometimes we wonder, and we want to know, and if we didn’t stay friendly immediately after, I understand putting a few months between contact. But, those blow jobs you got? They are never to be spoken of again unless you’re talking to your family on your death bead about the most magical moments of your life. Furthermore, don’t go on to sheepishly ask if I might give you one, for old time’s sake. Move on to other mouths.
- Stop getting fingerstache tattoos. Please. Hey, everyone, remember like, 15 years ago when the term “tramp stamp” didn’t exist. You probably don’t. But I do. I remember because I thought it was a really great idea to have the face of a kitty tattooed on my lower back. That day wasn’t exactly wrought with great ideas. That was the same day my cousin and I ate a bunch of mushrooms and went to see an Austin Powers movie. I don’t want to defend that choice. I’m not equating the fingerstache with the tramp stamp. Don’t get me wrong. In fact, I think it’s more respectable to have a lower back tattoo (0r upper butt, if you’re a glass half full kind of person) than to get a stupid fucking mustache tattooed on your index finger so you can take cool instagram shots of you making adorable faces with your stupid finger in front of your face.