Being stuck in bed, I have an awful lot of time between naps and watching entire series in one sitting to look at Groupon. Luckily, I don’t have the cash to buy anything, or this would get expensive.
What I have decided, however, is that once I am done with all of this cancery nonsense, I want to finally do something that I’ve been wanting to do my whole life. And every single day, Groupon, you temptress, you send me more emails about the sorts of things I could be doing.
No, I’m not just talking about laser hair removal, which, I gotta say, if I had laser hair, why would I have it removed? That sounds cool as hell. And while 70% off memory foam pillows is a great deal, I don’t think I should have memory foam anywhere near my bed. Let’s face it. I’d give memory foam PTSD. In a few weeks it would be repressed memory foam.
What I’m talking about is the crazy shit like sky diving and parasailing in a weird car-shaped thing. Or jumping off of shit, or climbing up things, or going to Cabo San Lucas. I have never, in my whole 33 years of life, been on a vacation. It’s about time that I do that, isn’t it?
And I know these are all daydreams that seem pretty far-fetched once I realize I don’t have two nickels to rub together. I mean, who dreams of Cabo when they’re buying discount meat at Fresh & Easy? Well, I do. And I want to thank you, Groupon, for giving me things to daydream about. Keep it up. Show me all the four night stays in Montego Bay that you can muster, because when I close my eyes when the drugs kick in, I can picture myself jumping out of a plane for $125, falling through the air toward my ocean-side Jamaica beach hotel, fully relaxed from my day at the spa.