Dear Santa,
So, first I wanted to say that I am still confused about the time when I was a kid and you brought Stanley Bean some presents, and we even saw a news report telling us that you were in the area. You’ll recall that on Christmas Eve of that year my brother and I spent our time caroling at a nursing home, and because I figured you’d want me to be extra damn awesome, I even let that one really scary woman who reminded me of a Skeksies touch my face. I was frightened, Santa, but I knew I needed to act right.
The thing about Stanley Bean is that he never ever brushed his teeth. He was a pretty rotten kid, and he got in trouble at school all the time. So, it was confusing to me when, come Christmas morning, despite the fact that I was so fucking well behaved that I regularly got three M&Ms for good behavior while my classmates got two, you didn’t give me a damn thing. Maybe the M&Ms were my year long gift, like playing annuity in the lottery, but had I been presented with the option I would have chosen a Mr. Microphone and some brand name cereal.
I’m grown up and aware that Stanley had a difficult home life, which caused him to act out at school to try to get attention. I don’t begrudge him the Christmas presents he got. However, I do feel like you owe me a few.
I would like very much, Santa, to be in amazing shape by March. I got some free personal training recently, and it occurs to me that I would benefit greatly from having the face of a trainer in front of my, begging to be punch, in order to motivate me to keep my shit together and do 20 reps instead of- well, instead of no reps at all.
And it’s not just for me, Santa. I want this for you, too. I want you to not have to make your elves knit me larger sweaters, and I want you to stop all of your fretting over my health. Plus, if you do this, I will totally send you pictures of me in a bathing suit. I’ll send them in an envelope that says “Heating Bill” so Mrs. Clause doesn’t get nosy.
What do you say? Help me get in shape? Wouldn’t it make you so happy to see me happy?
Holiday Best,
Nikol