Let’s talk about boundaries and the information you put out there on the net.
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In 2005, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. For those who are unfamiliar with it, it’s a gastrointestinal disorder that involves inflammation of the digestive tract–and that inflammation can occur literally anywhere between one end (mouth) or the other (anus). It is obnoxious, painful and often embarrassing. Imagine having food poisoning on an almost daily basis.
Prior to this, I’d dealt with anxiety and self-image issues, but I considered myself fairly independent, at least emotionally. I quickly learned the value of a support group and since there are no in-person support groups for this kind of issue in my community, I have substituted with online communities. It’s been a major boost for me being able to discuss my flares, for instance, with people who have flares themselves. The average person does not care to discuss stools, or how the steroids you take give you a burning sensation in your throat that feels like you’re gargling acid.
In “real life,” I responded to being diagnosed by trying to keep quiet about it; I felt like anyone who found out I had Crohn’s would see me exclusively with that label thereafter. But the more I communed with people online, the more I came to believe that short of a scientific breakthrough, the most important thing for people with Crohn’s is to break through that sense of being poorly understood, or mocked, or whatever by mainstream society. So, I have taken it upon myself to be a sort of ambassador for Crohn’s wherever I go. This means when I go out to eat and I request my order a specific way, I add on that the reason I’m so specific is that I have Crohn’s disease. (I waited tables, so I know what servers think about customers with specific requests.)
And you know what? Sometimes they just sort of act like they’re trying to pretend they care. But other times, I find that my server knows someone with Crohn’s. In those cases, I write down the website URL for places I recommend, and give them my Twitter name to pass along. I’m in control of what I put out there, of course. Online, when I tweet about my guts, or blog about my time in the hospital, that’s permanently recorded. I resolved that I don’t care how embarrassing any of that is; if one person finds my remarks helpful in any way, then I don’t care who wants to make jokes about how I ought to wear Depend under-garments or that what I have to talk about isn’t “appropriate” for a given venue.
There is a certain kind of courage that one must have to put himself or herself out there like that. What I care about isn’t the haters; there have always been people who feel compelled to deride someone else. I’ve found, by and large, that the most outspoken people who have something negative to say about others rarely contribute anything positive about anything else. The kind of petty wisecracks never originate with anyone who has also had the kind of courage to put themselves “out there” for others to see.
You don’t owe any of us the kind of personal insights you have shared thus far. They are, of course, your most endearing quality–they are part of what gives you credibility, in a sense, because I have seen you share thoughts and feelings about things that most people obscure. I believe you’re like me, in that you want to help other people by sharing your perspective and experiences. I believe you also realize the self-sacrificing nature of being a lightning rod. I would not lose any respect for you if you feel compelled to stop sharing as much as you have; but I would urge you to consider whether a handful of twits who feel they’ve gained some notoriety by posting snarky remarks are worth stopping the kind of good you can do for others by continuing to do what you’ve done so well already.
I think that the internet seems to be a place for catharsis for most people. Good or bad, it’s a way to vent emotions – a form of therapy and a place to chronical the emotional rollercoaster. While the poster becomes open to feedback (negative and positive), it’s more about saying “Here’s how I’m feeling. This is me. I’m not always a ball of tears/Mary J Sunshine/just another random person”
As you’ve identified, it seems different for publicly known people to have normal emotions out there. If we saw “12345″ – an example of a generic username, someone who was an utter random – crying or laughing, it’s one thing. If you see Bill Clinton crying or laughing, it’s another. Society seems to hold celebrities to a higher standard of emotional restriction, if that makes sense. (For example, Jim Carrey possibly has days where he just can’t get out of bed because he’s too upset at something that happened, but we’ll never know about it)
I don’t think it’s nuts to broadcast your emotions. Journals/diaries (call them what you will) used to be a private record with one’s innermost feelings. As society and technology have shifted, we now happily broadcast our deepest thoughts to one another. Perhaps it’s a way of looking for validation of our emotional experience – thinking “Nobody can understand how happy/sad/angry I am with these circumstances” and then finding out we’re not alone.
I think people deserve exactly what they get from net feedback (however, trolling is just awful. If you can’t say anything nice – or at least helpful in some way – don’t say anything at all). Provided the poster is aware of the potential repercussions their post could have, the contract of the internet is fulfilled. The poster seeks an outlet, the internet provides it, and if it’s meant to be private then usually filters and settings can make it restricted or unable to be commented on etc).
Anyway, I’m gonna wrap this up. I hope I haven’t gone on too long, and I’ll even throw in some genuine praise: Nikol, you’re very funny, you’re adorable and this is why I love what you do – you’re not afraid to chronicle and share you’re life with people who you barely know. You’re willing to show your vulnerability to people you’ve never met, and to move past being another “cardboard cut out” of a celebrity to show your life, warts and all. That takes some guts.
I’ve been online since the days of AOL and I’m really glad that, back in the day, an older friend of mine said “Y’know, everything on the internet is in public. But permanently so.”
That’s rung in my head for years.
I have no pictures of myself online. You won’t find any videos of me. I’ve used psuedonyms to comment on certain “controversial” topics. Part of that is the fact I work with young adults (I’m a YA Librarian) and I don’t need a digital shadow out there for kids I work with to find. Another part is I just don’t fell like sharing my feeling with the great mass of humanity online has a real upside.
I’m a straight, pudgy white dude with no particular visual appeal. Putting my face on youtube talking about the loss of my parents or the struggles I’ve had in my life would likely draw more “Lol, fattie!” attention than people with something to contribute. I keep a website and I’m exceedingly mindful of what is put up there. I’ve cleansed it with fire more than once, even going so far as to remove it from the “internet wayback machine” just to keep what is said in my name “on message”, to borrow from corp culture.
Does it make me sad? Yeah, it does. Most of my friends are older than I am and outside of some very awkward attempts at twittering (4squre is the devil) they’re barely online. Meanwhile, most of my day is spent online due to my career. I’d like to plug into a real community, but the risks seem really high compared to the rewards. Especially with things like 4chan and
Nikol, I admire your openness. It’s something I wish I could emulate. Funny thing is, amongst my friends, I’m exceedingly open. But online it feels like I’m dousing myself in seal pheromones before jumping in shark-infested waters, to torture a metaphor.
I think the reason people put themselves out there is that human beings need to connect with one other and be heard. The Internet provides a safe(r) outlet for that; it’s easier to be candid with strangers than it is with loved ones. It also provides a buffer. Consider the (cowardly) allure of breaking up with someone over the phone, or as you youngsters do it today, over text. You have space to say what you need but still be somewhat removed from it.
I love posting personal things online. I’m sharing parts of myself, and even if people are rude sometimes, for me it doesn’t detract from the benefit of connecting with others. I love learning about other people and figure someone out there does too. Even if they never comment on my blog. Or retweet my tweets. Or e-mail me. Ever.
We do open ourselves to criticism though, as this same anonymity makes it easier to be a dick. Just like that psychology experiment where people were more likely to inflict pain on others if they were anonymous. Anytime you send something out into the world you have to be prepared for something to come back, good, bad, or indifferent. It’s just the nature of human society. Sometimes an online community can be respectful and supportive, but sadly this is a rare occurrence. However, you certainly won’t find support if you don’t make yourself available to it.
I think you are adorable Nikol, and we do love you for what you do. Celebrities (Internet and otherwise) are human beings who deserve to be heard and sympathized with just like everyone else. I don’t think it discredits a public figure at all to show their human side. It makes them more real, more easy to identify with. Which is an unexpected upside of the Internet and social networking sites like Twitter. It makes people more accessible in an every day kind of way.
So keep your plastic celebrities, I like mine drenched in tears and smelling of Cheetos and desperation.
People have a right to upload they want to the internet (to a point, of course). Everyone else on the internet (the audience) has a right to make whatever comments they’d like to about it. As long as the uploader understands that the audience is allowed to say what they like about what has been uploaded, and as long as the uploader is willing to take the risk that someone in the audience might say something that the uploader doesn’t like, everything should be fine.
Personally, I’m very open about who I am, and I don’t feel the need to hide myself from anyone. I am perfectly okay with letting anyone interested see exactly who I am. Sure I’m not always proud of everything I’ve done, but they’re part of what makes me who I am. Furthermore, I’ve always stood by the whole sticks ‘n’ stones thing. I’m aware that it’s mostly bullshit, but I’ve found it at least works for myself most of the time. I don’t always have to agree with things people might say about me, but I vehemently support their right to say it. I can also choose not to take it personally, instead simply assuming that the person is a dick in general, or else taking what they say as constructive criticism.
The biggest question is why someone would want to put all of this on the internet in the first place. The way I see it, there are no guarantees whatsoever that on a regular basis basis, a given person will find themselves in the company of people who they could become friends with. And for those who DO find themselves in the company of those they consider friends, who is to say that their friend pool should be limited to those people with which they are able to regularly interact with? My point is, with the internet, you can vastly increase the number of people you interact with, and thereby expand your pool of potential friends. And I don’t see the act of acquiring more friends as being anything but a good thing.
Different people share for different reasons with different expectations. And so there are really no universal or even general answers.
Do you ask about your own doing it, or others’?
Does it impact your credibility? Of course! For the better and for the worse, depending on the audience. You want to be an educator of teens? They need certain kinds of authenticity as a prerequisite for credibility. But those — and this can be generational — who believe in decorum and appropriateness and even a clear/necessary separation between public and private? Well, it hurts your credibility with them.
Credibility is not an single thing. It exists between people, whether we are aware of it (or it’s absense) or not.
In this country, in this culture (i.e. Western Culture and American Culture) we have long valued the individual. The rights of the individual. The importance of the developent of the individual. This is nothing new. Our current abilities to share our expression of self, and even revel in them, have not created anything truly new, as all of this apparently new stuff is really just a celebration of that basic western value: the self. (And the break down between public and private has been happening for a long time, anyway.)
So, I kinda don’t buy the premise of your question, that there is any real answer to this.
Yes, you (and others) are asking for it. Yes, you are nut to give up that kind of privacy and control of your public image. Heck, I’m not even using my real name here. But that doesn’t make you wrong. It just means that you (in particular) have particular goals, value certain audiences and are willing to pay certain prices.
But way can make it a little harder on you, right? You have positioned yourself as a sex or sex ed expert, and now as a single-parenting expert. Does the reality of your own shit vis-a-vis romantic relationships hurt your credibility in those other fields? I mean, some might have trouble separating sex from relationships, or single-parenting from maintaining oneself as a single adult. I don’t think that these are problems, and I think your revelations demonstrate a self-awareness that makes your advice and thinking MORE valuable. (And, by the way, the pot has every right to call the kettle black. The pot, afterall, knows what black is all about.) But not everyone feels that way. Witness the popularity of the ad hominem attack.
It comes back to you,a nd what you want. What kind of expert do you want to be? A sage on the stage? Or someone who gets their hands dirty and speaks in large part from their own experience?
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What’s interesting is that I am not an expert about anything. I’ve actually gone to lengths to make it clear that I’m not. Why does writing about a thing make a person an expert? Mostly I’ve tried to convey that I am a human. Any advice I give is because it’s asked of me and I never mask that with some idea that I am more than just a woman with a lot of life experience.
To clarify what we are discussing:
Are public figures less credible if they are open about their moments of humanity?
Do people who display themselves so openly need to accept that others may say hurtful things about them?
Are the people who display so much of themelves crazy?
How much is too much?
These are all open for any opinions and are certainly not simple questions.
1)
You might not want to be an expert, but you have set yourself up as an expert.
Dan Savage claims that the only grounds that he has for answering all those questions is that people ask him them. But that’s not true. He has been given a pulpit and from it he proclaims by using it like this that his answers are worth reading.
You can claim NOT to be an expert, or enough of an expert. But when you are writing or delivering answer or content in a particular area over time, people are going to see you as a expert of some sort. It’s inevitable. I mean, you are not offering your answers just for entertainment purposes. (Yes, they are VERY entertaining. We all love to laugh at you, don’t worry. Heck, some of us even like to laugh with you.) You ARE offering content. You ARE offering content in specific areas. That implies you have some kind of expertise worth leveraging in this way. You need to come to terms with that.
2)
“Does that mean that this discredits you? Should you just keep it to yourself, keep it to your family, keep it to your close friends?”
“Are they nuts? Are they just asking for whatever is coming to them?”
Those are the questions you asked. I think that they are too vague and too general. I think that it depends on the context, the goal and values of the person who might share this messy stuff.
Yes it discredits you. Yes, it increases your credibility. Yes, you should keep it private. No, you should not keep it private. Yes, they are nuts. No, they are not totally crazy. Yes, they are asking for it. No, they don’t deserve it.
All those answers are obvious. They all can be true, depending on the context, the goals and the values of the person who might share this messy stuff.
So, I don’t buy those question. They are too vague and to general to be meaningfully answered.
Obviously (I think) you are offering yourself as an example. Are *you* nuts? Does this discredit *you*? Etc.. But I don’t think your reads have sufficient knowledge to really answers those questions, because it depends on YOUR values and goals. There are things to weigh out. “Is the cost worth the gain?” is really what you are asking. But how can we answer than without knowing your values, your goals and what the impact on different potential audiences might mean to you?
“Would it be worth it to you?” is a very different question. I am quite glad that you do it. I would not do it. I don’t think that in my field that I can afford to do it. And I want to be known in a certain way, have a certain rep. This would not help at all, and would quite hurt it to me. But the answers coming from my context, my values and my goals don’t necessarily apply to anyone else.
I think that the question that you ask are too general. You use the second and third person, but your own personalizing of the issues makes it sound like you might mean the first person (i.e. yourself). And your use of the third person makes it sound you you asking general questions for general answers, which I think could only be overly prescriptive in a way that ignores what makes us each individuals.
3) In my previous comment, I was trying to point out that there are certain things about our context that makes it less crazy than it might be in other cultures, and in doing so point out there are not absolute answers here.
I agree that there aren’t absolute answers, and I think you hit very well on the bigger picture. This issue came up for me because I received an interesting email on the topic of generational differences in the things that are appropriate to put on display.
I hadn’t thought of it before, as I’ve always just done what I felt like doing and said what I wanted to say. When I write something it is always because it’s what is on my mind. If it gets published, then someone else found it and wanted to use it. If I have a regularly published column the publisher goes into it knowing that I don’t tame anything down or put up a professional pretense. If I couldn’t be myself 100% working for someone, I wouldn’t be able to work for them at all.
The only thing this makes me an expert at is not having boundaries, and that’s not by some act of courage. If you asked anyone I ever went to school with or worked with, they’d tell you that I’m missing some social grace that tells my brain what’s appropriate to share or ask. I’m not uncaring about the comfort of others, I just fail to grasp the feeling behind it.
But from a purely anthropological viewpoint, it’s interesting to look at the amount of information we share with others today. How does that change the way we interact?
Yeah, there’s a HUGE generational component here. But that’s a function of what was possible when basic lessons about the appropriate and social relations and all that were formed.
I’ve got a very close friend who blogged for years with a very strong stance that she NOT censor herself. She wrote about a lot of things, including a fair amount about sex. Not the sex itself, but her relationship to it, the strength of her libido, etc.. For her, putting those kinds of stories out there was a political stance, trying to undermine the idea that women have the be sexual gatekeepers or that women can not be sex-driven. This kinda culminated in an incredible piece about her decision to have an abortion (i.e. her first). Very personal and open and all of that. And it was important to her to keep her real name and contact info right there. Anonymity, she felt, would not properly make the stance that shame over such things is OK.
But she’s has another job. She goes to an office every day, and she deals with people at other companies (i.e. long term vendors). She has seen from her traffic logs when there has been a spike of readers from her own company, and when there is a spike of readers from other companies she deals with.
The thing is, other people do not react to these things the way that you might want them to. They don’t just react like you, or necessarily in a way that you think is fair. It’s not about the way it should be. The problem is that you don’t know how people will react, though you know the possible range of reaction.
When you put it out there on video, they know exactly who you are. When you put it out there under your own name, they know who you are. Could another mom think to herself “I do not trust that woman and my son is NOT going to sleep over there.”? (I don’t sexually, but could she think that you are too childish and immature to be the responsible adult?) Yeah. Might she be an idiot? Sure. But we KNOW there are lots of idiots out there.
People make dumb decisions or judgments about people for the wrong reasons. We already know that they do. Without defending them, or saying that they SHOULD be so stupid, I have to counsel that we already know that they are.
So, SOME people are going to think that you (Nikol) are immature. And have poor judgement. And are a bad parent. And cannot be trusted to be a responsible adult. Obviously, the worst of this will come from conservative people (some politically, and some just in their lives). These are often people with money or power, or some sort of higher “class.” Unfortunately, we often need those with power to decide thing in our favor.
This is the conforming power of society and the powerful in it. If we rock the boat too far from their expectations, we don’t get ahead because they are the gatekeepers. Act how THEY deem appropriate — which is what they learned long ago is appropriate — and you have a much better chance of getting ahead in one milieu or another.
What milieus are important to you? Where do you want to be accepted or approved? Well, those are the one’s who’s norms about the appropriate you need to be concerned with .
Of course, if you don’t care about ceilings and are willing to be a taken a bit less seriously some by some folks, then you are willing to pay the price for your honesty and openness.
Again, it’s not about being fair. Dumb judgements are make about people’s intelligence and abilities based on their looks. Heck, people think that attractive people are nicer. Tall people do better in elections. And that means that the risks you are taking by being so open are not based on other people being rational.
I’m trying to emphasize that there is not just one “we” here. How does the amount of information we share with one another change the way we interact? Which “we” and with whom? **I** do NOT share my crying with anyone outside my home. Others don’t know how angry I get or how upset, or how bitter or depressed or any of that. My friend is starting to put up a wall between what she writes (and has written) online and links to her actual identity because she thinks that people at other companies with whom she must deal as a professional take her less seriously for that stuff being up and available like that.
So, again, I don’t buy your question. It is too broad and too general. Break it up.
1) How does it change the way that sharer interact with each other?
2) How does it change the way that non-sharers interact with sharers?
3) How does it change the way that sharers interact with non-sharers?
4) How does it change the way that people who share everything interact with people who share (but not everything)?
5) How does it change the way that non-sharers interact with non-sharers?
Or, to be more explicit: The question is not how “we” are different than those of generations before us. The question is how we are different from others (i.e. those who are different from us) right now. And that is often the hardest question, to realize what make us us, and to recognize without rejecting how others are are different, yet valid.
That’s interesting. I do draw the line when it comes to talking in detail about my sex life. I personally find it tacky. I hate reading blogs where people describe their previous night’s sex. It’s their thing, though, so I just don’t read it. But that’s where I drew my own line. I’ll talk about sex in general. I’ll mention past experiences in relationships or with dates. I’ll even talk about my body parts. But I’m totally against some post talking about how I felt about someone’s throbbing cock inside me blah blah so on.
Are public figures less credible if they are open about their moments of humanity?
In my case, unless there is a point to showing that humanity, it does make them less credible. For example, let´s say you create a show where you use comedy to talk about sex, if you share with your audience a part of your own human experience to reach to your audience I don´t think it makes it less credible. On the hand, if you come out on Oprah crying about how you are going to die of cancer or how you lost your boyfriend… I´ll be skeptical about it and won´t interest me at all.
Do people who display themselves so openly need to accept that others may say hurtful things about them?
Of course, if you willingly exposed yourself.
On the other hand, if you are for example the POTUS and it goes public that you received a bj in the oval office I don´t think you have to accept anyone judging you … except for those close to you and those whose opinion you value.
Are the people who display so much of themelves crazy?
We all are crazy in some way. I´m after all exposing my opinion to persons I have and will never meet in the hopes it makes an impact, why ? That´s none of your business!!!
Would I do it? no, do I judge people who do it? yes, I think they lack personality, experience in life or money.
How much is too much?
As I said, it´s not a matter of quantity. If there´s no purpose I don´t care whatever you say.
mmmm I guess there´s the matter of what purpose I think is fine. Not money , yes a “higher purpose” (education, art…)
By the way, I don´t think your questions were vague.
In 2005, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. For those who are unfamiliar with it, it’s a gastrointestinal disorder that involves inflammation of the digestive tract–and that inflammation can occur literally anywhere between one end (mouth) or the other (anus). It is obnoxious, painful and often embarrassing. Imagine having food poisoning on an almost daily basis.
Prior to this, I’d dealt with anxiety and self-image issues, but I considered myself fairly independent, at least emotionally. I quickly learned the value of a support group and since there are no in-person support groups for this kind of issue in my community, I have substituted with online communities. It’s been a major boost for me being able to discuss my flares, for instance, with people who have flares themselves. The average person does not care to discuss stools, or how the steroids you take give you a burning sensation in your throat that feels like you’re gargling acid.
In “real life,” I responded to being diagnosed by trying to keep quiet about it; I felt like anyone who found out I had Crohn’s would see me exclusively with that label thereafter. But the more I communed with people online, the more I came to believe that short of a scientific breakthrough, the most important thing for people with Crohn’s is to break through that sense of being poorly understood, or mocked, or whatever by mainstream society. So, I have taken it upon myself to be a sort of ambassador for Crohn’s wherever I go. This means when I go out to eat and I request my order a specific way, I add on that the reason I’m so specific is that I have Crohn’s disease. (I waited tables, so I know what servers think about customers with specific requests.)
And you know what? Sometimes they just sort of act like they’re trying to pretend they care. But other times, I find that my server knows someone with Crohn’s. In those cases, I write down the website URL for places I recommend, and give them my Twitter name to pass along. I’m in control of what I put out there, of course. Online, when I tweet about my guts, or blog about my time in the hospital, that’s permanently recorded. I resolved that I don’t care how embarrassing any of that is; if one person finds my remarks helpful in any way, then I don’t care who wants to make jokes about how I ought to wear Depend under-garments or that what I have to talk about isn’t “appropriate” for a given venue.
There is a certain kind of courage that one must have to put himself or herself out there like that. What I care about isn’t the haters; there have always been people who feel compelled to deride someone else. I’ve found, by and large, that the most outspoken people who have something negative to say about others rarely contribute anything positive about anything else. The kind of petty wisecracks never originate with anyone who has also had the kind of courage to put themselves “out there” for others to see.
You don’t owe any of us the kind of personal insights you have shared thus far. They are, of course, your most endearing quality–they are part of what gives you credibility, in a sense, because I have seen you share thoughts and feelings about things that most people obscure. I believe you’re like me, in that you want to help other people by sharing your perspective and experiences. I believe you also realize the self-sacrificing nature of being a lightning rod. I would not lose any respect for you if you feel compelled to stop sharing as much as you have; but I would urge you to consider whether a handful of twits who feel they’ve gained some notoriety by posting snarky remarks are worth stopping the kind of good you can do for others by continuing to do what you’ve done so well already.
I think that the internet seems to be a place for catharsis for most people. Good or bad, it’s a way to vent emotions – a form of therapy and a place to chronical the emotional rollercoaster. While the poster becomes open to feedback (negative and positive), it’s more about saying “Here’s how I’m feeling. This is me. I’m not always a ball of tears/Mary J Sunshine/just another random person”
As you’ve identified, it seems different for publicly known people to have normal emotions out there. If we saw “12345″ – an example of a generic username, someone who was an utter random – crying or laughing, it’s one thing. If you see Bill Clinton crying or laughing, it’s another. Society seems to hold celebrities to a higher standard of emotional restriction, if that makes sense. (For example, Jim Carrey possibly has days where he just can’t get out of bed because he’s too upset at something that happened, but we’ll never know about it)
I don’t think it’s nuts to broadcast your emotions. Journals/diaries (call them what you will) used to be a private record with one’s innermost feelings. As society and technology have shifted, we now happily broadcast our deepest thoughts to one another. Perhaps it’s a way of looking for validation of our emotional experience – thinking “Nobody can understand how happy/sad/angry I am with these circumstances” and then finding out we’re not alone.
I think people deserve exactly what they get from net feedback (however, trolling is just awful. If you can’t say anything nice – or at least helpful in some way – don’t say anything at all). Provided the poster is aware of the potential repercussions their post could have, the contract of the internet is fulfilled. The poster seeks an outlet, the internet provides it, and if it’s meant to be private then usually filters and settings can make it restricted or unable to be commented on etc).
Anyway, I’m gonna wrap this up. I hope I haven’t gone on too long, and I’ll even throw in some genuine praise: Nikol, you’re very funny, you’re adorable and this is why I love what you do – you’re not afraid to chronicle and share you’re life with people who you barely know. You’re willing to show your vulnerability to people you’ve never met, and to move past being another “cardboard cut out” of a celebrity to show your life, warts and all. That takes some guts.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVG8aYIiFyg
I’ve been online since the days of AOL and I’m really glad that, back in the day, an older friend of mine said “Y’know, everything on the internet is in public. But permanently so.”
That’s rung in my head for years.
I have no pictures of myself online. You won’t find any videos of me. I’ve used psuedonyms to comment on certain “controversial” topics. Part of that is the fact I work with young adults (I’m a YA Librarian) and I don’t need a digital shadow out there for kids I work with to find. Another part is I just don’t fell like sharing my feeling with the great mass of humanity online has a real upside.
I’m a straight, pudgy white dude with no particular visual appeal. Putting my face on youtube talking about the loss of my parents or the struggles I’ve had in my life would likely draw more “Lol, fattie!” attention than people with something to contribute. I keep a website and I’m exceedingly mindful of what is put up there. I’ve cleansed it with fire more than once, even going so far as to remove it from the “internet wayback machine” just to keep what is said in my name “on message”, to borrow from corp culture.
Does it make me sad? Yeah, it does. Most of my friends are older than I am and outside of some very awkward attempts at twittering (4squre is the devil) they’re barely online. Meanwhile, most of my day is spent online due to my career. I’d like to plug into a real community, but the risks seem really high compared to the rewards. Especially with things like 4chan and
Nikol, I admire your openness. It’s something I wish I could emulate. Funny thing is, amongst my friends, I’m exceedingly open. But online it feels like I’m dousing myself in seal pheromones before jumping in shark-infested waters, to torture a metaphor.
I think the reason people put themselves out there is that human beings need to connect with one other and be heard. The Internet provides a safe(r) outlet for that; it’s easier to be candid with strangers than it is with loved ones. It also provides a buffer. Consider the (cowardly) allure of breaking up with someone over the phone, or as you youngsters do it today, over text. You have space to say what you need but still be somewhat removed from it.
I love posting personal things online. I’m sharing parts of myself, and even if people are rude sometimes, for me it doesn’t detract from the benefit of connecting with others. I love learning about other people and figure someone out there does too. Even if they never comment on my blog. Or retweet my tweets. Or e-mail me. Ever.
We do open ourselves to criticism though, as this same anonymity makes it easier to be a dick. Just like that psychology experiment where people were more likely to inflict pain on others if they were anonymous. Anytime you send something out into the world you have to be prepared for something to come back, good, bad, or indifferent. It’s just the nature of human society. Sometimes an online community can be respectful and supportive, but sadly this is a rare occurrence. However, you certainly won’t find support if you don’t make yourself available to it.
I think you are adorable Nikol, and we do love you for what you do. Celebrities (Internet and otherwise) are human beings who deserve to be heard and sympathized with just like everyone else. I don’t think it discredits a public figure at all to show their human side. It makes them more real, more easy to identify with. Which is an unexpected upside of the Internet and social networking sites like Twitter. It makes people more accessible in an every day kind of way.
So keep your plastic celebrities, I like mine drenched in tears and smelling of Cheetos and desperation.
People have a right to upload they want to the internet (to a point, of course). Everyone else on the internet (the audience) has a right to make whatever comments they’d like to about it. As long as the uploader understands that the audience is allowed to say what they like about what has been uploaded, and as long as the uploader is willing to take the risk that someone in the audience might say something that the uploader doesn’t like, everything should be fine.
Personally, I’m very open about who I am, and I don’t feel the need to hide myself from anyone. I am perfectly okay with letting anyone interested see exactly who I am. Sure I’m not always proud of everything I’ve done, but they’re part of what makes me who I am. Furthermore, I’ve always stood by the whole sticks ‘n’ stones thing. I’m aware that it’s mostly bullshit, but I’ve found it at least works for myself most of the time. I don’t always have to agree with things people might say about me, but I vehemently support their right to say it. I can also choose not to take it personally, instead simply assuming that the person is a dick in general, or else taking what they say as constructive criticism.
The biggest question is why someone would want to put all of this on the internet in the first place. The way I see it, there are no guarantees whatsoever that on a regular basis basis, a given person will find themselves in the company of people who they could become friends with. And for those who DO find themselves in the company of those they consider friends, who is to say that their friend pool should be limited to those people with which they are able to regularly interact with? My point is, with the internet, you can vastly increase the number of people you interact with, and thereby expand your pool of potential friends. And I don’t see the act of acquiring more friends as being anything but a good thing.
Too vague and too general a question.
Different people share for different reasons with different expectations. And so there are really no universal or even general answers.
Do you ask about your own doing it, or others’?
Does it impact your credibility? Of course! For the better and for the worse, depending on the audience. You want to be an educator of teens? They need certain kinds of authenticity as a prerequisite for credibility. But those — and this can be generational — who believe in decorum and appropriateness and even a clear/necessary separation between public and private? Well, it hurts your credibility with them.
Credibility is not an single thing. It exists between people, whether we are aware of it (or it’s absense) or not.
In this country, in this culture (i.e. Western Culture and American Culture) we have long valued the individual. The rights of the individual. The importance of the developent of the individual. This is nothing new. Our current abilities to share our expression of self, and even revel in them, have not created anything truly new, as all of this apparently new stuff is really just a celebration of that basic western value: the self. (And the break down between public and private has been happening for a long time, anyway.)
So, I kinda don’t buy the premise of your question, that there is any real answer to this.
Yes, you (and others) are asking for it. Yes, you are nut to give up that kind of privacy and control of your public image. Heck, I’m not even using my real name here. But that doesn’t make you wrong. It just means that you (in particular) have particular goals, value certain audiences and are willing to pay certain prices.
But way can make it a little harder on you, right? You have positioned yourself as a sex or sex ed expert, and now as a single-parenting expert. Does the reality of your own shit vis-a-vis romantic relationships hurt your credibility in those other fields? I mean, some might have trouble separating sex from relationships, or single-parenting from maintaining oneself as a single adult. I don’t think that these are problems, and I think your revelations demonstrate a self-awareness that makes your advice and thinking MORE valuable. (And, by the way, the pot has every right to call the kettle black. The pot, afterall, knows what black is all about.) But not everyone feels that way. Witness the popularity of the ad hominem attack.
It comes back to you,a nd what you want. What kind of expert do you want to be? A sage on the stage? Or someone who gets their hands dirty and speaks in large part from their own experience?
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@ceolaf: “Too vague and too general a question.”
How so? I said, “Let’s discuss this.” and “What do you think?”
What’s interesting is that I am not an expert about anything. I’ve actually gone to lengths to make it clear that I’m not. Why does writing about a thing make a person an expert? Mostly I’ve tried to convey that I am a human. Any advice I give is because it’s asked of me and I never mask that with some idea that I am more than just a woman with a lot of life experience.
To clarify what we are discussing:
Are public figures less credible if they are open about their moments of humanity?
Do people who display themselves so openly need to accept that others may say hurtful things about them?
Are the people who display so much of themelves crazy?
How much is too much?
These are all open for any opinions and are certainly not simple questions.
1)
You might not want to be an expert, but you have set yourself up as an expert.
Dan Savage claims that the only grounds that he has for answering all those questions is that people ask him them. But that’s not true. He has been given a pulpit and from it he proclaims by using it like this that his answers are worth reading.
You can claim NOT to be an expert, or enough of an expert. But when you are writing or delivering answer or content in a particular area over time, people are going to see you as a expert of some sort. It’s inevitable. I mean, you are not offering your answers just for entertainment purposes. (Yes, they are VERY entertaining. We all love to laugh at you, don’t worry. Heck, some of us even like to laugh with you.) You ARE offering content. You ARE offering content in specific areas. That implies you have some kind of expertise worth leveraging in this way. You need to come to terms with that.
2)
“Does that mean that this discredits you? Should you just keep it to yourself, keep it to your family, keep it to your close friends?”
“Are they nuts? Are they just asking for whatever is coming to them?”
Those are the questions you asked. I think that they are too vague and too general. I think that it depends on the context, the goal and values of the person who might share this messy stuff.
Yes it discredits you. Yes, it increases your credibility. Yes, you should keep it private. No, you should not keep it private. Yes, they are nuts. No, they are not totally crazy. Yes, they are asking for it. No, they don’t deserve it.
All those answers are obvious. They all can be true, depending on the context, the goals and the values of the person who might share this messy stuff.
So, I don’t buy those question. They are too vague and to general to be meaningfully answered.
Obviously (I think) you are offering yourself as an example. Are *you* nuts? Does this discredit *you*? Etc.. But I don’t think your reads have sufficient knowledge to really answers those questions, because it depends on YOUR values and goals. There are things to weigh out. “Is the cost worth the gain?” is really what you are asking. But how can we answer than without knowing your values, your goals and what the impact on different potential audiences might mean to you?
“Would it be worth it to you?” is a very different question. I am quite glad that you do it. I would not do it. I don’t think that in my field that I can afford to do it. And I want to be known in a certain way, have a certain rep. This would not help at all, and would quite hurt it to me. But the answers coming from my context, my values and my goals don’t necessarily apply to anyone else.
I think that the question that you ask are too general. You use the second and third person, but your own personalizing of the issues makes it sound like you might mean the first person (i.e. yourself). And your use of the third person makes it sound you you asking general questions for general answers, which I think could only be overly prescriptive in a way that ignores what makes us each individuals.
3) In my previous comment, I was trying to point out that there are certain things about our context that makes it less crazy than it might be in other cultures, and in doing so point out there are not absolute answers here.
I agree that there aren’t absolute answers, and I think you hit very well on the bigger picture. This issue came up for me because I received an interesting email on the topic of generational differences in the things that are appropriate to put on display.
I hadn’t thought of it before, as I’ve always just done what I felt like doing and said what I wanted to say. When I write something it is always because it’s what is on my mind. If it gets published, then someone else found it and wanted to use it. If I have a regularly published column the publisher goes into it knowing that I don’t tame anything down or put up a professional pretense. If I couldn’t be myself 100% working for someone, I wouldn’t be able to work for them at all.
The only thing this makes me an expert at is not having boundaries, and that’s not by some act of courage. If you asked anyone I ever went to school with or worked with, they’d tell you that I’m missing some social grace that tells my brain what’s appropriate to share or ask. I’m not uncaring about the comfort of others, I just fail to grasp the feeling behind it.
But from a purely anthropological viewpoint, it’s interesting to look at the amount of information we share with others today. How does that change the way we interact?
Yeah, there’s a HUGE generational component here. But that’s a function of what was possible when basic lessons about the appropriate and social relations and all that were formed.
I’ve got a very close friend who blogged for years with a very strong stance that she NOT censor herself. She wrote about a lot of things, including a fair amount about sex. Not the sex itself, but her relationship to it, the strength of her libido, etc.. For her, putting those kinds of stories out there was a political stance, trying to undermine the idea that women have the be sexual gatekeepers or that women can not be sex-driven. This kinda culminated in an incredible piece about her decision to have an abortion (i.e. her first). Very personal and open and all of that. And it was important to her to keep her real name and contact info right there. Anonymity, she felt, would not properly make the stance that shame over such things is OK.
But she’s has another job. She goes to an office every day, and she deals with people at other companies (i.e. long term vendors). She has seen from her traffic logs when there has been a spike of readers from her own company, and when there is a spike of readers from other companies she deals with.
The thing is, other people do not react to these things the way that you might want them to. They don’t just react like you, or necessarily in a way that you think is fair. It’s not about the way it should be. The problem is that you don’t know how people will react, though you know the possible range of reaction.
When you put it out there on video, they know exactly who you are. When you put it out there under your own name, they know who you are. Could another mom think to herself “I do not trust that woman and my son is NOT going to sleep over there.”? (I don’t sexually, but could she think that you are too childish and immature to be the responsible adult?) Yeah. Might she be an idiot? Sure. But we KNOW there are lots of idiots out there.
People make dumb decisions or judgments about people for the wrong reasons. We already know that they do. Without defending them, or saying that they SHOULD be so stupid, I have to counsel that we already know that they are.
So, SOME people are going to think that you (Nikol) are immature. And have poor judgement. And are a bad parent. And cannot be trusted to be a responsible adult. Obviously, the worst of this will come from conservative people (some politically, and some just in their lives). These are often people with money or power, or some sort of higher “class.” Unfortunately, we often need those with power to decide thing in our favor.
This is the conforming power of society and the powerful in it. If we rock the boat too far from their expectations, we don’t get ahead because they are the gatekeepers. Act how THEY deem appropriate — which is what they learned long ago is appropriate — and you have a much better chance of getting ahead in one milieu or another.
What milieus are important to you? Where do you want to be accepted or approved? Well, those are the one’s who’s norms about the appropriate you need to be concerned with .
Of course, if you don’t care about ceilings and are willing to be a taken a bit less seriously some by some folks, then you are willing to pay the price for your honesty and openness.
Again, it’s not about being fair. Dumb judgements are make about people’s intelligence and abilities based on their looks. Heck, people think that attractive people are nicer. Tall people do better in elections. And that means that the risks you are taking by being so open are not based on other people being rational.
I’m trying to emphasize that there is not just one “we” here. How does the amount of information we share with one another change the way we interact? Which “we” and with whom? **I** do NOT share my crying with anyone outside my home. Others don’t know how angry I get or how upset, or how bitter or depressed or any of that. My friend is starting to put up a wall between what she writes (and has written) online and links to her actual identity because she thinks that people at other companies with whom she must deal as a professional take her less seriously for that stuff being up and available like that.
So, again, I don’t buy your question. It is too broad and too general. Break it up.
1) How does it change the way that sharer interact with each other?
2) How does it change the way that non-sharers interact with sharers?
3) How does it change the way that sharers interact with non-sharers?
4) How does it change the way that people who share everything interact with people who share (but not everything)?
5) How does it change the way that non-sharers interact with non-sharers?
Or, to be more explicit: The question is not how “we” are different than those of generations before us. The question is how we are different from others (i.e. those who are different from us) right now. And that is often the hardest question, to realize what make us us, and to recognize without rejecting how others are are different, yet valid.
That’s interesting. I do draw the line when it comes to talking in detail about my sex life. I personally find it tacky. I hate reading blogs where people describe their previous night’s sex. It’s their thing, though, so I just don’t read it. But that’s where I drew my own line. I’ll talk about sex in general. I’ll mention past experiences in relationships or with dates. I’ll even talk about my body parts. But I’m totally against some post talking about how I felt about someone’s throbbing cock inside me blah blah so on.
Are public figures less credible if they are open about their moments of humanity?
In my case, unless there is a point to showing that humanity, it does make them less credible. For example, let´s say you create a show where you use comedy to talk about sex, if you share with your audience a part of your own human experience to reach to your audience I don´t think it makes it less credible. On the hand, if you come out on Oprah crying about how you are going to die of cancer or how you lost your boyfriend… I´ll be skeptical about it and won´t interest me at all.
Do people who display themselves so openly need to accept that others may say hurtful things about them?
Of course, if you willingly exposed yourself.
On the other hand, if you are for example the POTUS and it goes public that you received a bj in the oval office I don´t think you have to accept anyone judging you … except for those close to you and those whose opinion you value.
Are the people who display so much of themelves crazy?
We all are crazy in some way. I´m after all exposing my opinion to persons I have and will never meet in the hopes it makes an impact, why ? That´s none of your business!!!
Would I do it? no, do I judge people who do it? yes, I think they lack personality, experience in life or money.
How much is too much?
As I said, it´s not a matter of quantity. If there´s no purpose I don´t care whatever you say.
mmmm I guess there´s the matter of what purpose I think is fine. Not money , yes a “higher purpose” (education, art…)
By the way, I don´t think your questions were vague.
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