Dearest One Economy Corporation,
I am very pleased to be accepting the position as a producer for your company. I believe in what you do and am looking forward to kicking some ass and creating content which is fresh, fun, and helps provide the community with the tools it needs to thrive.
So, thanks for letting me do that.
Since my official start date is July 1st, I wanted to clear a few things up. First there is the matter of the job title itself. “Producer” is a very nice title. Don’t get me wrong. It’s awfully tits to be able to call up my family and say, “Family, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I’m a producer. The bad news involves my lemonade stand. We can skip that.” However, I am concerned that “Producer” is an old fashioned term. In an effort to launch forward, I am requesting that my official title be “Producer of Cool As Fuck Content”. Understanding that you are a reputable company, I offer the alternative of replacing Fuck with Shit. You don’t have to decide today. Mull this one over. I have ordered boxes of business cards with both titles, so, really, you have until July 1st to make that call.
Now on to the matter of I’m broke and would really like a boat. As you may or may not know, I purchased a beautiful white 93 Dodge Ram Cargo van quite recently. I knew I could afford exactly 1K on a vehicle, and perhaps I should have made a better choice. To date, this van has cost me $2,476.72.
It’s put me in a bit of a lurch, as you can imagine. But I’ve gotten creative. I’m resourceful. You’ll like that about me. A fine example is that I found a hamburger today. It was only a little bit eaten. By George, it was tasty, too. Whoever abandoned that hamburger was a fool.
In any case, I got to thinking about this whole salary thing. Since you already know exactly how much you’ll be paying me, why not just hand it all over at once? I don’t want to complicate things by asking for an advance. That involves math and we’re not math people. It would make the most sense to just fork the year’s worth over. This is also brilliant because I live very close to Las Vegas and, after the amazing luck of having found a burger, I am pretty sure I could double my money in no time.
As mentioned above, I would also like a boat. I could buy one if you give me all of that money. Then I don’t ever need to drive again.
My final order of business is my love life. It’s not going very well right now, and my therapist has assured me that it is not my fault. This means it is someone else’s fault. Since I view you all as my new family, I think it would be most prudent to use the company’s resources to get to the bottom of this. I think I’d be much more productive at the producing if we could find whatever Love Noid is fucking up my shit and have them punished.
Again, I am very excited to be working with you and I feel that you’ll see in no time at all that you’ve backed the right horse. I will send my courier immediately to collect the salary check and let’s meet Monday morning regarding those other issues.