It's pronounced HAYZ-ler, you dweebs.

I hate being sick

December 13th, 2014

It’s just a cold, and just a cold is just too much. My mouth grows a sweater every half an hour and then I open my jaw to brush my teeth and my ears hurt like someone filled them with metal skewers. I have to sleep sitting upright or I can’t sleep at all, but all I can do is sleep.

It’s the holiday season and I should be out buying peanuts because brittle is what I bring to the gift-giving table. But my head feels like it’s a washing machine and someone filled it with tennis shoes and the tennis shoes were full of pebbles.

It’s the holiday season and there are holiday parties and this guy wants me to go to some cool-sounding hot toddy party and sing Carols with Jewish British people. You guys all know how much I love Jewish British people. If ever people were invented to be my perfect companions, it is them. But I cannot carol or drink hot toddies because my face is stuck in the dope-setting and my eyes look like albino rat-eyes.

I hate being sick. It’s the pits. Bring me orange juice and tea and then leave me alone. Bring a hammer to knock me out and then leave me alone. Take care of me, dammit, but leave me alone. The cure for the common cold may not be important, but please come up with a cure for my whining, because its awfully loud.

3 Really Amazing Gift Ideas For You (You’re Welcome)

December 10th, 2014

Why should you listen to my gift advice? Remember the time I told you about Handerpants and you bought a whole case and saved the Holidays in one fell swoop? I remember it well. And that’s why I am here to offer you the best holiday gift ideas, handerpants down.

1. Magic “Make Them Disappear” Personalized Photo Mug

Maybe for the person who only wants to be reminded their family exists when they’re drinking a hot beverage. Maybe for the person who is in the secret service and they don’t want the bad guys to see their family when the bad guys come to the office, but that shouldn’t mean they have to deprive themselves of seeing their family while they’re working, dammit. There are so many possible reasons to need this Magic Mug! I only named two and already this mug meets the needs of 95% of the people I know.

Don't want to see your dumb husband and baby? Drink milk.

2. Fishin-opoly (For Friggin Real)

It’s not enough to waste an entire afternoon with your family relying on dumb luck to allow you to buy as many properties as you can so that eventually you can dance around and yell “In your face!” as people sadly hand over their final dollars to you before going back to watching Netflix and being alone. This Christmas, gather ’round the most exciting iteration of this old classic to date.

Gone fishing? Not if you don't own the lake, chump. So much fun.

3. Orbitwheels

They’re from SkyMall. ‘Nuff said, right? Too bad, I’ve got more to say. Is someone in your life too cool? You know who I’m talking about. They’re always rolling up on their long-board after skating out some sick ollies like Evel Knievel and Bart Simpson had a baby and fed it Mountain Dew. Well, that person needs Orbitwheels, because either they’ll really be great at it and freak out the rest of everyone alive by rolling around on these things, or they’ll be terrible at something for once and will finally understand what it is to be human.

Check out this doofus for a point of reference.

Things I Love – The Bots

November 26th, 2014

I’ve lived in Los Angeles for 5 years and 6 months, and in that time I’ve met so many strange, interesting, talented people that I’ve come to just expect to meet at lease 4 every week. Hell, I recently met and befriended John S. Hall at a garage sale. He was in town and laying down some tracks with Lovey Dove, and if you haven’t given them a listen, I think you ought to. And I could talk for days about each new, talented person I meet.

But this is a post about two talented people I met years ago who have been a constant in my life in various ways. This is a post about The Bots, two light-hearted brothers who first entered my world through the web series, 9ine, written and directed by Allen Sowelle, who sat me down in front of the computer and pressed play on my first ever look at The Bots, whose music we used in the series.

Then, fast forward to a project I was producing, “If I Were President”, when I reached out to the band and asked them to come in and talk to the camera about what they thought needed to change in America. Then, fast forward to me spending all my time at Vlad the Retailer, a cool shop in the bicylce district where The Bots would hang out and play. And then fast forward to now, at KCET, where we have a great show, Artbound Presents Studio A. We have local Southern California bands come in to our studios and make music for us and then we put it on the tv. (In case you didn’t know how this sort of thing works at tv stations.)

So, watch The Bots on Studio A. I love them and I think you will, too.

Not Okay, Cupid- Fathers and Sons

November 23rd, 2014

Could just be a South African greeting

And yes, I understand and appreciate your situation.

Enough of this hippie bullshit already. I stink.

November 20th, 2014

My most recent Hippie-tastic Amazon purchases

Regarding my last several Amazon orders, I’m not at all surprised that I’m getting Facebook ads for yoga, “crunchy parenting” classes, and The Diva Cup. I make pickles, grow my own sprouts, take pictures of people wasting water so I can shame them online, give a lot of a shit about the environment and nutrition, and my house is decorated in a way that looks like everyone just gave me the one weird thing they remember from their childhood homes. We make our own mouth wash and cleaning products. I boil pots of cinnamon sticks and orange peels to make our place smell nice. I’d rather eat a million butthole sandwiches than ever accept a plastic bag at the store. We clean up the river. You get my point.

And most of the time, I am so careful about what I will put on or in my body. So, recently, when someone asked me why I still wear antiperspirant even though it’s 100% known to cause boob cancer, I thought, “Yeah. Why do I do that?”

So, I bought some hippie deodorant. Kiss My Face brand, “Active Life” cucumber scented hippie deodorant. It’s clear and smells like nothing at all, and I slather it onto my armpits three times a day. And guess what? It doesn’t do shit. I am a stinky, stinky person. And for the sake of myself and those around me, I think it’s time to give up and go back to putting the strong chemicals into my pits that drown out the funk. Goodbye, hippie deodorant. Maybe I’ll see you again in a few years when I finally live out my dream of living in a commune and raising chickens, because chickens don’t have to sit next to me in conference rooms and breath through their mouths to stomach my stench.

Just take some time out of your day for this

November 20th, 2014

Every once in a while, an old Tim & Eric clip is exactly what you need to make the day good. I invite you to let this make your day good.

But, Nikol, I am already having the best day!

No, you’re not. You’re looking at the internet right now and there’s no way the best day involves my web site. I refuse to accept that. People only come here to read depressing stories or because I said they should on Facebook or because they googled my name because I met them on a dating site.* So, just watch this video and be happy for a few minutes.

*If you googled my name because I met you on a dating site, no, I don’t care. I don’t find it “creepy” or strange. You don’t have to tell me that on our date. But you should watch this video, anyway, because if you’re about to go on a date with me, you need to have a good day in advance.

A Genuinely Funny Video of Older Ladies Smoking Weed

November 19th, 2014

In honor of pot being given the thumbs up to smoke legally in Washington, these three wonderful women blaze up and have fun. This is far better than any video you and your dumb friends thought was hilarious to make when you were high. And it’s not just because seeing older people do younger people stuff is regarded as cute. It’s actually because it’s so wonderful that these three were so completely open to what must have been a bit scary for them. I normally hate hanging out with stoned people, but I would hang out with these ladies any day of the week. And I would kick their asses at Jenga.

Big Ups – Sex Heroes

November 18th, 2014

“I am my own oddball. I dance to the beat of my own drum. I don’t care what nobody says about me,” notes Downey, “I’m making a difference one person at a time.”

Hell, yes. Big ups to you, Freida.

My Phone Wants Me To Die Alone

November 16th, 2014

I didn’t text again, because I just imagined him being like:

And I just wanted him to be alone with such intense feelings.

Not Okay, Cupid – Oh, hey, it’s Matt Bomer

November 15th, 2014

and he’s not gay