It's pronounced HAYZ-ler, you dweebs.

Working on memoire- “Places to Go”

July 24th, 2014

Ideally, I am going to be able to put a lot of time and energy into writing this one day. For now, click “read the rest of this entry” if you’re at all interested in my reading about my life from ages 4-7. It starts with my earliest memory of being stung by a room full of bees, moves its way through my very odd perception of the very odd things that were happening, covers my time in the carnival, being left at a bus station, my first kiss, and ends on an optimistic note. Be warned. It’s a doozy. And I guess I am also meant to say “Trigger Warning”.

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Nikol, Who Is Selfish

June 20th, 2014

My cousin came to L.A. recently for work, and we got to spend some time together. We made an agreement that she would write a new song an I would write anything at all. She suggested I write about the depression. I made a few stabs at writing about something other than that, but nothing came out. So, I took her suggestion.

The following reads more like a diary entry, I think. I don’t particularly think it’s very interesting. However, in previous comments, readers and friends have asked that I keep writing about this. So, uh, here you go.

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Commercial Broke: You Can’t Just Create A New Household Name for Mayo

June 6th, 2014

Best Foods isn’t a thing. It’s trying to elbow its way into being a household name in mayo like Miracle Whip or Helmman’s. Nobody is ever going to ask for Best Foods by name at a restaurant. Nice, try. Additionally, those sandwiches look like they’re about ten zillion calories. Then if you take a look at the ingredients and nutrition information of Best Foods mayonnaise spread with olive oil (or as the guy in the commercial says “wit olive oyul”), the crap is still just crap. So here’s just one more commercial for utter crap that presents itself to the public as health food. Hey, everyone, MAYO will never be health food.

Additional note: A friend of mine pointed out that the chief asks for another sandwich after taking just one bite of his first sandwich.


Commercial Broke: Why do these people keep throwing cat litter?

June 6th, 2014

I used to have an indoor cat, and don’t recall ever feeling overly physically taxed by lifting cat litter. But, hey, I guess we need this.

Where Does Depression Hurt?

May 29th, 2014

My bank account.

On May 2nd, I was hospitalized for major depressive disorder and panic disorder. I was released on the 5th, and notified by my employer that I could not return to work without getting medical clearance to do so. I thought that would be simple. Well enough to go home, well enough to work. I was looking forward to working. Anything to get me back to a sense of normalcy.

My doctor decided that was a bad idea, because I’m depressed and have panic attacks and I’ve spent 7 years without medication and they want me to be stable before I introduce the stress of working.

When he told me, in his warm-colored office, brown and red with a view of the mountains, I had been sitting up properly and explaining how it was just time to get back to work. When it became clear that the option was off the table, I crumpled in on myself and with my face in my hands I whispered, “But, I don’t want to be disabled. I can’t fail like this.”

It does feel like a massive failure. I hang a lot of happiness on looking at where I came from and where I am. But right now, where I am is dire and lousy and it just sucks. The medical bills pour in. My phone is about to be shut off. My disability claim was denied because the doctor made a mistake on the paperwork. He resubmitted, but I have heard nothing. I call every day. Rent is due. Bills are due. This depression and panic is giving me even bigger issues to be depressed and panicked over.

And I feel so sick of myself, because it’s always something with me. I’m always in a hole, always struggling. Most of the time, the struggle is downright exhausting. Right now, I don’t have anything to give.

I don’t feel like anyone can really hear me when I talk about how I think and what I’m going through, but even if they could, how would it matter? What could they do? I’m the only one who can help me right now, and I’m not up for the job. It’s like, why make the bed if it’s just going to get unmade again?

Better Than Nothing

May 22nd, 2014

I painted my nails last night. A friend of mine, like all well-meaning friends, had suggested that if I paint my nails, every time I see them I will feel better.

This morning, I woke up clutching the bedside table, arms tensed, holding on so hard that the tips of my fingers were turning purple. When I saw my red nails, I thought to myself “See? Feel better. You painted your nails. Feel better.”

I didn’t feel better, though it has nothing to do with my nails. I know my friends and family care, and they will suggest whatever they can to see me out of this space. And I will try the things suggested. I don’t believe in hypnosis (it’s okay if you do), but I’m trying it. I don’t like taking medication, (and don’t need to hear your argument against it) but I am trying it. I know damn well that diet, exercise, and affirmations are important. And I’m trying them.

I have a decent mixture of tough love and gentleness around me. I have a therapist. I try to write every day. I logically understand the word “temporary” as it applies to my mind set.

It’s just that right now, most of the time I feel nothing at all. About 5% of the waking hours I feel deep, painful melancholy. The blues. Heartache and desperation. But that’s usually just before sleep and just after I wake. The rest of the time I feel nothing.

Some people have told me that it’s not possible to feel nothing. Others have suggested that it’s better than feeling sad. I assure you, this lack of feeling is very real, and it’s a profoundly dangerous place to spend too much time within, such detachment from oneself being the coldest and most naked form of depression.

I will paint my nails and do yoga and eat sprouts and say mantras. I will go to the ocean and try to recall how I usually feel. I am not suicidal, because I don’t even care enough or have the energy to be so. But I do know that I am alive, that I have a family to care for, and that one day, I will feel better than nothing.

Open Letter to Google, Who Did Something Right

April 28th, 2014

Dear Google,

The summer I got pregnant with my oldest son, Trast, I had registered for college, competed in a pageant, recently left foster care, and was spending most of my time partying my face off. I suppose I was just practicing for college. And after a few crazy weeks in Madison, Wisconsin, I went back to Woodstock, Illinois to pack my things and head south.


Me, as a pregnant teen.

But I also had a nagging premonition that I was pregnant. I knew exactly when and how and at the time it happened, I thought, “I’m pregnant. It’s a boy.” I am a science-believing person with a brain filled with skepticism about anything that isn’t supported by evidence, but I still swear that with myself and with other people, when it comes to sensing pregnancy, I’m like one of those water divining sticks, but the water is babies.

And, because I was 18 and had important things like weed and tarot cards and funny bumper stickers to spend my money on, I looked in the phone book for “Free Pregnancy Testing”. And the phone book was full of spots. I made a few calls, and the guy I’d been seeing drove me to the nearest place. I remember being so moved that they’d come in late at night just to help me confirm that I was pregnant.

When the two of us showed up, the two women who’d gotten out of bed to help me looked really uncomfortable. They told him that he needed to leave, and could pick me up after. He didn’t much feel like being there, so he took off, and I went off to pee on a store-brand pregnancy stick.

While we waited they asked me about my plans. I told them about college, how I planned to study English Education with a minor in Radio & Television. I had a four-year full ride, and I was eventually going to be a producer, like Tom Hanks, and then I’d be a teacher.

Before they’d show me the test results, they asked me if I could just watch a short video. It started off fairly pleasant, showing a life as it developed inside the human body. “Did you know that at (insert # of weeks of gestation) your BABY can (insert very adorable baby thing). But, soon the video got dark, showing images of dumpsters filled with fetus-parts, little baby hands sticking out of trash bags, women talking about how much they regretting their abortions. Abortions ruined their lives and once they tried to have children they couldn’t and then they had to admit to their husbands that they’d had an abortion and because of that they got divorced.

And then it got light and friendly once more. They eased up on the body parts, instead showing happy, large, wealthy families with shiny teethed white parents. There were sweet little babies, and young kids missing teeth talking about how much they love their parents. These kids had all been adopted by loving, Christian families. There are options. Don’t ruin your life. All that stuff.

Now, I was a teenager, but I wasn’t entirely stupid. There was nothing in their ad that made this place seem religious to me at all. Their ad didn’t mention adoption at all. I wasn’t prepared to deal with them. At all. I was a little bit preoccupied with the embryo hanging out in my insides.

I’ve always been bad at saying no, and I felt like they were ogres who wanted to nab my baby. I begged them off, took their card, took my positive pregnancy test results out to my boyfriend’s jeep, and then went on to give birth to my kid. Not, like, right away or in the jeep. It was a while later. And, by the way, deciding to stay pregnant had nothing to do with their disgusting video.

This letter is my way of thanking you for your recent decision to remove a variety of ads for “Crisis Pregnancy Centers”, which contained false and misleading information to people in order to get them in to those centers and treat them to an experience similar to mine. You are saving masses of females from being unduly bullied at a time when their whole lives are already changing as rapidly as their hormones.

As for you, misleading Crisis Pregnancy Centers of the world, piss right off. If you were so secure in your message, you wouldn’t need to use scare tactics or trick people into coming through your doors.




Worst Thing I Ever Did For Money

April 9th, 2014

When I was 18 and homeless I was spending a great deal of time at the Longbranch Cafe in Carbondale, Illinois. One of my close friends, Pale, ran an open mic and one night, after I sang a song that I had written, a local man approached me and offered to pay me to sing a back-up track on his album.

He paid me $50.00, which I am pretty sure I spent on weed and chicken nuggets. Because I was 18 and that seemed like the right sort of stuff to spend money on.

When I went in to record his backup vocals, I wasn’t even sure what kind of music he was making. He said he was going for a very Rolling Stones sound. Then he handed me the lyrics.

“Forget all of your values
and all respect for life.
Mommy doesn’t love you.
She’s going to cut your little heart out with a razor sharp knife.”

For all of about ten seconds I considered saying that I wouldn’t sing on the track. But, I was fairly certain the guy’s record was never going to hit the top 40, and I really wanted the $50.

I just wanted you guys to know.

Low Hanging Soup

March 26th, 2014

You’re Probably Not Going To Believe This, But Whatever

March 24th, 2014

According to the internet, there’s all sorts of stuff people aren’t going to believe. Since I can barely believe this myself, and I was here when it happened, I will assume that you will keep on with your non-believing ways. But I don’t even care if you don’t believe me. This is absolutely true. Are you ready?

I cooked “hard boiled eggs” in my oven.

You may be thinking “Did not!” But I’m here to tell you, “Did so.”

I guess I can’t technically call them hard boiled eggs, but if I said baked eggs you’d think I meant the kind you put in rammekins all brunch style or you’d sneer and go, “I bet she means quiche. How cute.” Well, I don’t mean quiche. There’s nothing cute about what happened in my kitchen today.

Now, I didn’t invent the idea. I’m not taking any credit for that. And it’s not like I’ve ever wanted hard boiled eggs but decided against them because I thought “Gosh, I just hate boiling water.” I just saw a Facebook post about it and, since I am working from home today, thought, “Why the devil not?”

So, I put seven eggs in a muffin pan and preheated my oven to 325. I don’t know why 7. Seemed like a good enough number of eggs.

Then I set the timer for 30 minutes and went back to work. Someone’s gotta buy the eggs around here. After I took them out, I put them in a bowl of ice water.

In the background I'm cooking a pot of white kidney beans because I foresee them as the next diet fad.

I let my seven little eggs sit in their cool bath for ten minutes.

Then I peeled one. No trouble peeling at all. None of that frustrating nonsense where half of the white gets ruined in the process leaving the egg to look like The Yellow King’s face.

Okay, so the eggs do have a little brown spot on the end of them, but I think it adds a certain decorative element.

And then I cut one open. Looks like a normal egg. So I ate it! And guess what? The yolk was super fluffy. Very nice.

So of course, my first instinct was to tell you guys. Because now you can bake your own eggs and we can all sit around having baked egg parties. Those are totally going to be a thing.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have six more eggs to eat.