It's pronounced HAYZ-ler, you dweebs.

Dear Trast, In Case You’re Looking

June 23rd, 2015

Maybe you’ve found a computer. Maybe you’re googling yourself to see if we’re looking for you, like last time. If you’re out there wondering, there’s no plan to drive you to a treatment center in Malibu this time. There’s no plan at all, really, because it largely depends on you.

Summer is here and I see you everywhere I look. In the daytime at the parks, homeless people find shade and sleep, waiting, I suppose, for the air to be cool enough that they can walk around in their layers, carrying all their stuff. I stare hard at each of them, wondering if they’re you. I have a fear that you’re going to be there, close to me, and I am going to be looking at a billboard, running my usual cynical commentary, and I’ll not see you.

I see people walking with your mannerism sometimes. Tall, thin, touching their hair, with legs and feet loping in a cartoonish way, shoulders rising and falling in bouncing rhythm with their steps. I see them and I stare at them, even after I know they aren’t you, wondering if maybe they are. Who knows what living on the streets has made of you? You could be any of them now. Maybe you don’t even walk that way anymore.

Last night I watched the Guitarmaggedon episode of “Home Movies” and I remembered how we watched every episode of that show together. The mother/son relationship in that show was so similar to ours. Before everything went to hell, you and I were simpatico. We were a remarkable duo; every person we ever encountered felt it.

When someone goes through a breakup, you try to remind them that time will heal them, whenever time gets off its ass and gets around to doing that. Eventually you stop feeling like someone’s standing on your neck, you can breath, and you forget how desperately you once needed that other person. With you, I am aware that this ache will never end. The memory of the salt sour smell of your skin is imprinted on me, after all. Biology forces that smell upon mothers as a way for us to help protect our young. I’m doing a piss poor job of protecting you.

Where are you, goddamit, and what are you doing, and why won’t you just give me the peace of knowing? You always hated that I wanted to know where you were and who you were with. I always told you, tough luck, buster. I’m your mom and that’s what we do. But you hated it so much that you made sure I couldn’t know. And now I’ve moved to a different place, have a different phone number.

I cannot give you up for gone and move on.You must know that. I am trying my hardest to chill and wait for you to come to your senses, dude, but as your brother tells me all the time, I have no chill at all. It’s been six months. That’s long enough. It’s time to come home, sit down with me, and talk things through. Dig into the part of you that remembers who I really am to you instead of this version of myself that I became when you started getting in trouble. Maybe watch this episode of Home Movies. Maybe imagine watching that in the air conditioned living room while eating food you don’t have to beg for money to get. Whatever it takes. I’m here.

If you are reading this and want to help, please tweet or Facebook or blog a link to his poster. http://www.missingkids.com/poster/NCMC/1243232/1

Met this guy yesterday in the pool

June 22nd, 2015

Just thinking #lizard

A photo posted by Nicholas Clayton Borszich (@unicorndestroyer) on

He’s a blue-tailed skink and he was swimming right at me as I was attempting to usher a drowning bee to safety. It was very dramatic. There was even music playing.

Photo by Nick, not by me.

Worth It. Not Worth It. | Beauty Products Edition

June 19th, 2015

I don’t have a problem. Just a lot of solutions.

A photo posted by NIkol Hasler (@nikolhasler) on

I harbor a deep obsession for products. I try every damn stupid thing that comes on the market, and some of this crap makes a difference. Some of it is straight up useless. Let me share some of my wrinkle remedy, hair thickening/coloring/smoothing, skin perfecting, anti puffiness, puffiness adding wisdom with you.

Worth It.24k Gold Collagen Face Masks

I’m so hawt

A photo posted by NIkol Hasler (@nikolhasler) on

These things aren’t magic and I doubt the “gold” in them does a whole hell of a lot. I saw them on Groupon for $100 supposedly reduced from $800, and I looked them up to see what in the world disposable product anyone would ever pay that much money for. I learned that this is the newest in fancy spa treatments. Women go get their faces smeared with gold, or get these masks.

I looked into it more, found them on Amazon for $11-$15 for a five pack, and figured I’d give them a try.

Not only do you get to look like scary iron man, these masks contain rose oil, and they’re cool and soothing to wear. I put mine in the fridge first, which is actually great for puffy skin. And while I like the full-face mask every now and again, I much prefer the under-eye gold masks, which I totally would not lie to you dude, I swear, made my eyes less puffy.

Some of the Amazon reviews complained about the size of the eye-holes, but those people are doofuses because these are stretchy. Stretch them, doofuses.

Not Worth It.Clinique All About Eyes Serum

Absolute Bunk

This costs $29.00 and does absolutely nothing at all. It touts that it contains caffeine. You’ll get just as much effect if you put some tea bags over your eyes when you’re in the bathtub. (That’s a thing that sorta works.)

Worth It.KleanSpa Scrubs

smooth it out, pals

I ambled into a store in North Hollywood recently, trying to find presents to give myself for Mother’s Day from Ayden, and that’s when I discovered KleanSpa. The lady that runs the show over there took me back to her workshop and showed me all of her vials of essential oils and I basically just wanted to move in there and smell stuff.

I ended up buying a jar of hu-MAN-ity sugar scrub that smells like dirt and grass. I’m a big fan of sugar scrubs already, because they really exfoliate and they have oil in them to moisturize right away.

Now I use this stuff to shave my legs, and it works better than any shaving gel or lotion I have ever found. Plus, my legs are really soft.

Not Worth It.– Hair Chalk

A real mess

I am a lady who likes to constantly change my hair. It’s time consuming and costly, but it’s fun. I get my fun how I can. So, a temporary solution seemed like it would make sense for me. Especially since there’s no way I have the patience or money to do that whole new Sand-Art Hair thing that looks so fun.

This stuff is just nasty. The instructions make it sound like it’s easy to do. You just put your hair on some flat, hard surface and then rub on the chalk. It even indicates that blending is easy.

Anywhere I tried to blend, it turned nasty grey or brown. Applying it proved pretty difficult to do on my own. And the suggestion of styling it with heat to brighten it only made it faded and dull. But the worst part about using this stuff should’ve been really evident to me, because the name of the product says it all. It’s hair chalk. Chalk that you put in your hair. And chalk is a really stupid thing to put in your hair. So don’t.

Have any products you want me to try before you do? How about suggestions of things I will love? Or do you just want to say hello? Feel free to leave me a comment.

Pride Month- 5 Great Gay Commercials

June 16th, 2015

Lately I’ve noticed that same-sex couples are becoming completely main stream in commercials, and that’s not too shabby. I’m a cynical butthole, though, so when I saw the Wells Fargo commercial with the two gay moms adopting a deaf kid, I did think they might be trying to jump on the “We don’t shy away from controversy” bandwagon, but adding the whole deaf and adoption thing to it because some geniuses in the marketing department were like, “Dudes, how do we make a commercial as moving as that whole Graham Cracker thing a few years back?”

But then I also remember that Wells Fargo has been on the good side of the gay community for a while, and I can’t think it’s all just smoke and mirrors.

It does seem like a huge part of what defines companies right now is how they publicly take stances on certain issues. I won’t buy Barilla pasta, that’s for damn certain. And I am glad I don’t have any Hobbies that require a trip to any Lobbies. (Not that I ever shopped there. Who would, when Michael’s is far superior.)

As a person who loves and loathes advertising, I quite often pay more attention to commercials than actual shows. I yell at the commercials. I applaud the commercials. I’m watching and the lady says “Where does depression hurt?” and I answer “Your butthole.” And then the lady says “Who does depression hurt?” And I say, “Your mom. Right in her butthole.” and then I laugh and laugh. Or I yell, “Someone got paid money to make this! That’s a crime!” But when a commercial is done right, that’s a thing of absolute beauty.

Gays and homosexual actions have been used in media for a long time as comic relief. Bring in the sassy gay, have him sass it up. Show the butch lesbian with the hairy legs driving the truck. Transgender, what a hoot! Even commercials where a guy accidentally comes off as gay gets a chuckle.

But lately that hasn’t been as prevalent and instead, LGBTQ people are starting to be featured in mainstream media in a way that’s not as crap. Here are some of my favorite gay commercials. Feel free to add to the list.

1.) DIRECTV: Sports fans

To be really delighted, and I really mean that, read the top comments on YouTube.

2.) Honey Maid, part one and two: Warning! Crybabies Gonna Cry

So, this is the first one. Simple enough.

But then they made the next commercial which I cannot watch or even try to describe to anyone without sobbing. I once described this commercial to my kids in a Costco and was hysterical.

3.) Starbucks: Frenemies

I am a huge sucker for Ru Paul’s drag race, where I’ve picked up all sorts of great phrases for letting people know how I really feel about them. And this Starbucks commercial is straight up wonderful.

4.) Tide: Everyone does laundry and bickers, right?

5.) Canadian Gay Ruby

Best line, “What’s gay about Rugby?”

Have I Mentioned How In Love I Am With Richard Simmons?

June 15th, 2015

You should never forget what a terrific person you are!

Posted by Richard Simmons on Sunday, June 14, 2015

The Makings of a Hippie

June 8th, 2015

When I was a kid, I went to the local grocery store, asked if I could decorate their brown bags, took home hundreds of them and drew a picture of a garbage can with the planet falling into it and the message “If you’re not recycling, you’re throwing it all away.” I was quite pleased with how they turned out, and I returned them to the store so that people would see this message when they were unpacking their groceries.

I wrote a letter to the ozone layer reading “Could you please close your hole?” I wrote a letter to¬†President Reagan asking him to consider banning aerosol cans. I also asked him to get rid of drugs and AIDS. He didn’t take my advice on any of those things, but for years I got Christmas cards from the Reagans.

 

Anyway, there’s no real point to this post. Just wanted to make sure you guys knew that I have always been an annoying loudmouth about the environment. ¬†Give a hoot and don’t pollute, y’all.

LGBTQ Pride Month! Look at these Gay-Ass Shoes

June 3rd, 2015

Are you so filled with pride you can feel it all the way to your feet? Check out the latest Adidas and Converse designs in honor of LGBTQ Pride Month.

Converse San Francisco Pride Shoe

Pride Superstar!

And if you’re not an Adidas or Converse person, don’t you worry. YRU has some sneakers that might be more your style.

Happy LGBTQ Month: Donate Some Stuff!

June 2nd, 2015

First things first, y’all, lets go ahead and chit chat about Caitlin Jenner just to get it the crap outta the way.

Congrats, Caitlin. Glad you’re doing you, gender-wise. That doesn’t negate the fact that you’ve spent years being a sort of useless waste of space. Then there was that whole awful ordeal a few months ago when you rear-ended and killed a woman, a tragedy about which you’ve been less than “brave” in talking about publicly. Your whole family is really wealthy, yet not one of you gives back in a way that’s worth mentioning, and certainly not to any charities in support of gender issues.

It’s upsetting to me to think that you are the face of the transgender community right now, when there are many more wonderful, inspirational men and women who deserve the kind of praise you’re receiving. Instead of vamping it up for Vanity Fair, I wish you were out there taking your boatloads of money and helping trans people who don’t have the kinds of resources that would help them make their own transitions even half as smooth and accepted as yours has been.

Okay. I guess I had a grumpy-ass opinion on that. In any case, I am glad that trans issues are getting more coverage and acceptance in the media. You could say, I’m proud. Full of pride. Rainbowed up. Family.

And in light of all I’ve been thinking and saying about things that would be helpful to trans men and women who don’t have many resources, I’ve put together a little list of things you might consider donating to your local lbgt center if you are so moved.

(Wanting to donate and looking for a local LGBT center? Try this link.)

(Oh, and here’s a short video of a trans role model who probably ought to be getting all this Jenner-tention.)

1.) Your Time! Take your broke ass down to the center and sign up to help out either doing whatever it is you do best, or teaching people at the centers whatever your particular skill set is. A lot of nasty underlying discriminatory foolishness exists in the workforce. Couple that with a possible awkwardness a trans person may have felt in a school environment and, well, shit’s just hard. So, offer to teach them some of your bizzzzness skillz or trade skillz or photoshop skillz or whatever you do unless your job is soul-suckingly terrible. Then, keep it to yourself, jerky. Just go help out around the offices or something.

2.) Some Books For the Shelves! They’re going to the center to hang out. Pick your favorite books and donate them, or pick out some of these.

3.) Nice Digs and Kicks! None of this janky old torn up crap you won’t wear anymore. If people are in a position to need things from these centers, things are already sucking pretty hard. It’s really cool to have nice looking things. Makes you feel a whole lot better when you’re fly.

4.) Human Hair Wigs! Sometimes, as people are starting to transition, they are keeping that transition a secret for a variety of reasons. And sometimes they’re queer or pansexual. Basically, what I am getting at is like the Mounds Almond Joy of having long hair or short. Sometimes you feel like a Beyonce, sometimes you don’t. It would be super rad if someone donated decent wigs and you got to take one home, wouldn’t it?

5.) Chest Binders! I love having boobs because they’re funny and I can smush them so they look like a butt and make them pretend fart. Also for feeding kids or whatever. But, if I were a transman and I had to endure walking around with these bean bags, I would be horrified. Sometimes being able to properly smush them into nonexistence is a huge step in having the world start seeing these men as they see themselves. But good binders aren’t cheap.

Alright, so what am I missing? What do you think would make a good donation to an LGBT center? And don’t say deez nuts, Gary. I know you’re dying to say deez nuts. Dammit, Gary! I said don’t say it.

I’ve Become Totally Obsessed With Richard Simmons

May 22nd, 2015

Things I DON’T Love | Quest Protein Chips

May 22nd, 2015

They are terrible.