I Am Nikol and This Is My Story

As I write this, I feel it important to just get it out there that while this is really hard for me, I feel that in keeping quiet, I am harming those who may fall prey, as well as endorsing the silence of those who have already suffered. You see, this morning, as I was … [Dig in…]

Coming soon, buttheads.

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication on my end, the old NikolHasler.com doesn’t exist anymore. I will be using the wayback machine to get my hands on old posts. Just bear with me while I get this taken care of.

Dear Trast, In Case You’re Looking

Maybe you’ve found a computer. Maybe you’re googling yourself to see if we’re looking for you, like last time. If you’re out there wondering, there’s no plan to drive you to a treatment center in Malibu this time. There’s no plan at all, really, because it largely depends on you. Summer is here and I … [Dig in…]

Better Than Nothing

I painted my nails last night. A friend of mine, like all well-meaning friends, had suggested that if I paint my nails, every time I see them I will feel better. This morning, I woke up clutching the bedside table, arms tensed, holding on so hard that the tips of my fingers were turning purple. … [Dig in…]

Frustrations of a Cold, Spring Week


You wake up and wonder if you’ll ever hear the story of an accidental death and not think that person was lucky. But you’re trying to not take any big kinds of chances with your own life anymore. You’re not walking alone late at night or even considering getting a motorcycle. Life is even, at … [Dig in…]

Guilt and the Good Day

The day at work was full, productive, filled with moments where I knew what I was doing; knew what choices to make. No distractions. I didn’t feel underwater. I was competent. I was the embodiment of my “You got this.” mantra. At home we cooked dinner, watched “Nathan For You” and shook our heads over … [Dig in…]

The Only Way Out Is Through

My friend says that he knows my sons love me, because it’s evident in the way that they are when we’re together. He’s not the first to say that. I remember someone recently remarking that they’ve never seen anything like what we have. He tells me to consider that in Trast’s mind he thinks going … [Dig in…]